Cool experiences and dreams

I started bowing down To Criss Angel because he's the only person I know of who will display siddhis. One night I had a dream where I was in a school and there were three magic wands on my desk. I think they were a present. I had another dream recently where Emily Oppenlander was drinking water from a cooler and the water dripped out of her mouth into mine. I am writing out the lotus sutra because I read if you write it out you'll be reborn in Tushita. When I was writing out the part where Shariputra was predicted to enlightenment and tried to rejoice about it, I felt this red energy in my right foot. It was between painful and blissful; it was extremely intense. I've been singing and playing ukulele. I think I'm getting a little better. There was this old experience where Steve, tai chi Steve who may be completely enlightened and a Lord Buddha was teaching me a chigong form and told me to look through my third eye and I saw yellow and red and felt this surge of energy go up from the base of my spine. Ooh, another one, I was meditating on the words perfection of patience and perfection of generosity and all my obstacles seemed silly and I felt this white bliss at my ajna chakra.

remembering divine presences

I think I've met with divine beings. There is Nick Wickstrom who taught me a little chigong. Once when we went to the YMCA to practice I felt this bliss in my wrists. I was holding horse stance and the pain in my legs turned into bliss.
There was this dancer Rhonda who I met at the yellow barn and she was doing these absurdly amazing moves that I couldn't really match and I held her ankle when I saw her again at Swing Ann Arbor and I felt this blissful fire surround my whole body. I felt the same blissful feeling when I'd pray at the St. Clare of Assisi temple. There is Sondra Ji. Ji for Jina perhaps. I bowed to her once and then felt all seven of my chakras at once. I did sahaja at sunmoon yoga during teacher training and felt this bliss at my mooladhara chakra. There's Jamyang in Bloomington. Once he asked me to get him water, and I went to get a water in the next room and he was in that room. He was either in two places at once or he teleported. Once I asked him what he could do to disarm all the weapons and He told me to meditate on love and the next week when I would meditate on love, I felt indescribable blissful love at my heart and surrounding my whole body. I read a sutra on their website about Maitreya flying here and prostrating to the lotus feet of the teacher, and I prostrated at his feet and I felt an indescribable bliss throughout my whole body and being that was green. He introduced me to the books of Geshe Kelsang Gyatso.

I wish everyone could meet them and I wish them eternal bliss.

dream journal trsnscribed continued

teaching someone how to play video games. There's two regular NES systems. I tell him we should play rogue squadron. Training someone on Mario about extra lives. High school gym class. Two asian teachers who are sisters. A swimming pool. The teacher is Edward. Tells us to hold a pushup and then act like a frog. Some sort of business lunch. A girl doing a ballet pose revealing her privates. Playing chess. Going to fast food restaurants. Playing ping pong. Lot's of nets. Playing chess with GR. Swimming. Sondra. A yoda magic card with power in hundreds. Flying and fighting. Shani wanted me to tatoo her letters on her side. Writing a paper about how Thich Nhat hanh should come to school. The paper keeps changing. Hanging out with some girls. One has a broken leg in the snow by a ski lift. Bree's night club. Chicago. Chelsea. There were all these half naked girls. Heather was there. Trying to date one. Writing out Hiroshime. I was staying at a hotel. GR was possibly travelling with me. Launching model airplanes over water. A fat guy on a unicycle doing stuff. A three pronged nintendo controller that gave upgrades by twisting. I'm upset because??? Playing soccer, Joe's surgery team and a kids team. Dating a girl in a swimming pool. Going on ballons and there are magic mushrooms. I saw GR and Steve in a house with stained glass windows. Playing basketball, a competition. People get powers from stars. I was at school. Alec and I chanted teenage mutant ninja turtles in the hallway from a sheet of paper in the hallway between classes. I was about to take a test and I couldn't find a sharp pencil. I would try to sharpen one but it would break. I found an old mechanical pencil with a blue strap. When I was leaving class I gave Rachel Day a high five. Ralph was there. I had a memory of a past dream making out with somebody. At a concert. They throw coffee to the crowd. Fingers being twisted by a wrench. Asks why didn't you tell me the coins were made of gold. Biking and running barefoot. Asks do you know economics? Says we're in the movie freakonomics. Making prostrations on rocks to Buddha statue. Many people in rows doing this. A finished Spanish test with multiple grades in blue ink. Some around 80% some higher like 95%. Playing video games at a house that belongs to Heather. I have video game systems there at a mall with Josh and other skinny karate people. At a restaurant bar with Nate. Natasha comes, we're thinking about seeeing a movie. A little girl has a lighter held to her wrist as she and her mom tried to escape a house. A fire starts and a girl puts out a fire with her mind. I know someone died in Bloomington. I was looking for an old link to to tell the police because I thought my friends did it, killed him. Buying candy. It's a lot of candy. In a movie theatre, someone makes others scoot over, a guy asks if he has $13 in drugs. A Nickelodean title comes on. A guy in jail, he's a Native American Shaman fighting for freedom.
I had a lot of tennis rackets in a bag. Looking for the right one. I also had a lot of pencils. I wanted a mechanical pencil and a tourna grip racket. Britten gave me earing shaped rackets (or maybe racket shaped earings). I put them in Thomas Brassel's bag. I was supposed to serve. I remember saying, thank god for tourna grip and dissertations. Squirt gun fights. All sorts of levers on the guns to control power. People in class writing about eclipses. Stephen mills gets picked up by my feet. We're going down hill talking about sustainability. Waiting in line for a test. Sari appears before me, for a second I see her face. Shawn takes my pencil. It's colorful and shiny. Driving through the rainforest. We have machine guns in the car. We reach a checkpoint and someone speaking
French tells us to let them search. They find a pitcher's mound. I'm climbing up this huge net and someone is beating me coming from the other side. Running to lots of bathrooms in this giant public building looking for something. There was a soccer team. I didn't make the all star team which had Nick, Isaac, and Nate. There was this huge castle where they met. I was deported to Mexico. I shot down this watery shoot after going through a water circle. Someone asked if I was a murderer or just a murder case. Two girls were in a car. One stopped looking ahead, looked to the girl in the backseat. The girl in the backseat indicated to look ahead, but the driver said a kiss never ends because she wanted to kiss her. Varun playing flute. He's really good. I have a flute too and try. When he let's me try his flute it's smaller and simpler than the one I had. I was getting ready for a highschool class. I had pants with little holes in them that you could see through and a ruckrash around my wrist. I had wooden beads around my neck. I wanted to get laid. There were three gold coins on the ground. I think they were my mom's 90+ dollar gold coins. I had a class where we made food. We cut up little vegetables and put them in a deep tray. Some people had meat. People playing sports in a little room. A hall pops out of the room. I try to get it but someone else does. I was going to get a bath but someone beat me to the tub by 70 seconds. Allison Sparrow painting spirals in a room with blue paint twirling the brush above her head. Ben Denton playing a musical instrument and someone who looks like him playing a row up. Someone playing guitar passionately and a woman next to him is making these hand gestures. We're growing food inside collectively. Emily Oppenlander spreads cheese across the grass. Someone gets mad at her because he thinks it won't work but she persists. I have a hook through my hand. I try hard to take it out. There's a squirrel with a hook through it; it must be dead because it's skinned and you can see red on the underside of it. Reading environmental books for Greenpeace. Being an activist. I have a name tag, pencils, erasers that aren't mine. When I leave I return them and have nothing left. In a hallway, there' sthis big jump that goes down I keep making.

dream journal transcribed

working at a grocery store. A woman wants apples and leaves her wallet, gives it back. I don't know how to do the job. Natasha takes a picture of me and nate. Playing golf. I was crawling to cross a street. B4, mad at Kuten Lama. Talking with Zach Catozzi and David Sonneborn. Playing tennis with Ben Frohman. Dancing at a club. Commitment of forever. Playing tennis. I'm injured. Picked for 1 doubles. Magic cards. A jet airplane fighter. Speakers disparaging the principal. Me talking with someone else, and then I go back inside myself. I was seeing myself from outside. Playing baseball.. Standing in line between Katie Overmeyer and Chuck McBuck. I say baseball used to be nothing in terms of exercise. Katie is very beautiful and she skips me in line. Our hips are touching. I had gum in my mouth and I couldn't get it out. Programmers. Buses. A naked guy swimming in a pool. I was trying to park a car at a house in the woods. When I got in the spot, I couldn't open the doors. When I backed up, I kept falling backwards and couldn't move forwards. A monkey on someone's head, maybe moe's. It was an old monkey. Popcorn falling out of a bag. More than fits in it. Football. There's a fence in the way. Beautiful women around this huge table smiling at me as I walk around. I'm following one and then see all the others smiling and forget. There are wine glasses all around. I start accelerating up like through a star. Something about my savings being good, one girl has something written on the outside of her hand. I was in an auditorium or a theater. Everyone started shouting out their favorite career, I shouted out actor, someone said Moses, I said prophet, toymaker, toytester. Someone came up behind me and it looked like Charles Haitjema. Then it was Sam Guiren. He said he scanned me with his creative energyi and when that happens tiny emanations usually pop out into a person, but it didn't work. I had twigs, little sticks stuck in my mouth and gums, I was pulling out. Video game characters playing a video game from outside. Playinng pool, Zach Catozzi. Aleister Crowley Quiz. Hamster. Cooked, cleaned up a kitchen. a solar city. Flying jet airplanes on ground, in sky, in videogames, in waking life. At a bookstore reading books on spirituality, running over all the walls. colorful books Quadratic formula worksheet. Beautiful women. A game where we're supposed to kill each other like a video game. Me and elgar are fighting. Feeding elephants water. Playing on balloons. Playing tennis. Amber shows her breasts. A girl with a shiny face. At church singing beautiful women. At wendy's, lose my parents, talk about a scholarship. I'm with GR, we're writing with pencils on our teeth. In an airplane next to yoda. A pretty girl in front of me. Allison Sparrow next to me. She slaps me on the butt. I slap her back. I'm a blonde haired woman. I can't do a shoulderstand. Biking with Seamus. A waiter job. I have to choose a partner but everyone says me first. Matt Miller. I'm trying to be a janitor but I can't get the job because I don't know how. I have two shirts on. I want another one on. Matt Schick is there. I jump at himm with a shirt above my head and ask him to guess who I am. Sondra teaching calculus. On a sled being pulled down. Invited to a meditation retreat. I tell Heather to come. A mouse. Playing tennis on an uneven table. smoking pot. Charles Haitjema is there. A calculator pad made of tiny little dots of light. Debby Basu is there. I go from kneeling to squatting. Lara invited me to India.. Reading encyclopedias and science books, especially on consciousness. Scifi fighting. Reading at a microphone. Playing pingpong with Justin Conn Powers. Waiting to meet a roommate to play soccer. Ujjen's wife was playing pingpong. Playing chess with Luke Skywalker pieces. Playing tennis with giant fat people. They start dancing and doing a thing where they sing. One line is I'm talking because I'm listening.

I don't want

I don't want my dharma practice to be offering water bowls to pictures of Buddha. I want to clean the water of the world for all beings. I want to protect the water of the world for everyone. I don't want to get rich to eat my parents who are lobsters, shrimp, cows, and chickens. I want to embrace poverty, let the sun nourish me, and know that I am one with all of nature. I don't want to be a high lama who receives offerings of wealth. I want to work the fields of organic farms or gather what nature gives like the birds. I don't want to sit and watch as war destroys the world. I want to protest, petition, write, meditate, pray and not give up until I'm blown away. I don't want to forget my teachers who showed me peace and love. I want to remember.

equlibrium

If there were a permanent bliss, nirvana, that could be achieved and there is beginingless time, if we haven't achieved it yet, we probably never will because we've had infinite time to. The idea that we could achieve it in one lifetime or in any finite amount of time seems preposterous. I think this is an equilibrium. All of existence is an equilibium. Beginingless time makes sense, but maybe not a continuity of consciousness. I don't know if consciousness arises from the brain or if it is more elemental. I think though that sometimes we are happy, sometimes sad, but overall this is as perfect as things can get, because the compassionate conscious forces in the universe have had infinite time to shape it. We are not seperate from those forces.

economics meets environment

In economics the demand curve starts out with a high price, and it goes down with quantity. The reason is because we get more benefit from the first drink of water than from the 100th. We only need so much water. Too much and it might be negative. For example, people would have paid money to have the water from Hurricane Katrina not come. The same insight reveals how we aren't increasing the wellbeing of society by having more billionares at the expense of more debtors. The billionaires can only buy so much welfare for themselves. I read in a sociology critique of economics that wellbeing stops to go up with more money after people have 8,000 dollars a year or so. For 8 billion dollars I read that everyone in the world could have fresh water. That would benefit people much more than Bill Gates having 8 billion more dollars. Our obsession with GDP is propaganda therefore. It would increase GDP tremendously to build expensive nuclear weapons and B2 bombers, destroy cities, clean up the waste very expensively, and rebuild the cities. But it wouldn't increase welfare at all. If we were able to get everyone in the world clean water, it wouldn't add to GDP, but it would help welfare tremendously. Economists don't know ecology. Their theories aren't keeping track of habitat loss and pollution. There are potential theories in economics that could help with these things such as the theory of externalities. It says that economic transactions effect more than the buyer and the seller and the price of the good should be influenced by the third part effects. For example consuming coal and oil and meat is causing global warming. If we taxed the emissions equal to the amount of damage that these transactions caused in global warming, then global warming would stop. This is an economic theory. But freemarkets won't bring the best solution. If you don't tax it and you want to stop global warming, you need more of a planned economy like the socialists or communists would build. I believe you can have a socialist democracy. I don't believe we should abandon democracy.

song

the hindus said I'd be reborn
and I said OK
but I don't know
I don't know that I'll live another day

Brahma Vishnu Shiva
what do you have to say
because I don't know
I don't know that I'll ever see your face


I came up with that as a song. It sounds pretty good when I sing it. I think it's catchy.

I also came up with the line
I'm sadder than Saturn
and I'm sadder than Neptune, but it doesn't necessarily fit with the other lines.

more dream segments

Playing as Mario inside a video game. Running, and Bowser does blasts I jump over. I get a diamond star and then a gold one. Standing in line worrying about how short I am. Trying to light a lighter. I see a chart of Buddhist lineages hand drawn in my own handwriting, the lighter won't light. Kerchanin dancing. Frozen ice, trying to get home, but too much ice. Driving a car with two people in it. It ends up underwater. We keep going into a junkyard with underwater oars that are fakes, we can't get out. Popcorn falling out of a bag. More than fits in it. Football. There's a fence in the way. Beautiful woman around this huge table smiling at me as I walk around. I'm following one and then see all the others smiling and forget. There are wine glasses all around. I start accelerating up like through a star. Something about my savings being good, one girl has something writtten on the outside of her hand.
I was in an auditorium or theatre. Everyone started shouting out their favorite career. I shouted out actor, someone shouted Moses, I said Prophet, toymaker, toytester. Someone came up behind me and it looked like Charles Haitjema, then it was Sam Guerin. He said he scanned me with his creative energy and when that happens emanations usually pop out of a person but it didn't work.

I had things, little sticks stuck in my mouth and gums I was pulling out. Video game characters playing a video game from outside. Playing pool Zac Catozzi. Aleister Crowley quiz. Hamster. cooked. cleaned up a kitchen. a solar city.
flying jet airplanes on ground, in sky, in video games, in life.
reading books on spirituality, running over all the walls. colorful books. worksheet. quadratic formula. beautiful women.

consciousness can't be particles

The body is made of particles. The atoms that make us up are made of protons neutrons and elelctrons. Consciousness cannot be matter. If consciousness were matter we'd be experientially aware that our particles are moving near or at the speed of light. We can't perceive this, so how can consciousness be from the particles?

california dreams

I'm in California. I'm doing some meditation and tai chi on my own. I got a catolog of the community college, and I want to take physics and Calculus. I took calculus in high school, but I plan to retake it and then go on to more calculus. I'm staying at my Aunt Moe's house. Her partner John, said he'd teach me art. I've been recording my dreams. I'll post some here:
playing soccer Tim Fisher
Fire benders, someone made of fire at a party. Jedi. Video games.
fingers up a woman's pussy.
a mermaid.
I'm in an apartment and I hear Ryder coming
I'm at a store and want a sandwich but they all have meat. I buy a medicine and spill it all over the floor.
B4, India guy is teaching me
I was at a school packing up for year end
thinking about how keeping folders empty helps
two girls in class tell me I should go abroad
I say I want to learn shamanism from South America and Buddhism from Tibet or India.
Standing on shoulders, lot's of people stacked on each other in a pool. a net falls down.
a pamphlet about einstein's relativity
running, a girl, some sort of giant game
a basketball player
A popup where a baseball player makes it to first base then throws the ball and does this twice to make it home. A tennis player, skinny guy, tells me he's the best in the country. I ask him to teach me.
waiting for a tidal wave at the Bloomington house with a large party of people. We're on the second floor and the water makes it up that high.
working at a grocery store, A woman wants apples and leaves her wallet, I give it back. I don't know how to do the job. Natasha takes a picture of me and Nate.
Playing golf
I was crawling to cross a street
b4, mad at Kuten Lama, talking with Zac Catozzi and David Sonneborn.

a table with food on it, me and dad, all the food slides off.
I was eating a meal with a girl, brown hair, not too skinny. Two people had sex at a nearby table. I was editing my homework and sharpening my pencil on someone's head. I asked if Bracey Wright made it to the NBA. Paying someone to let me in the door from cold.
Nuclear submarines at US door. 5,000 dollars in weapons like fireworks, a red missile launch. I tell 'em not to fire because of the subs, what we have is more like fireworks. Riding the red dragon, a bouncing barn, a kid wants off it.
Nick Wickstrom, he punches my fists and kicks my feet as I kick his and punch his. Dr. Rakic at a store. A yahweh card. I have no money. excited about the lotus sutra. throwing beads away. I bow down to ujjenla.
at a video store looking for a movie. we decide on patience, a movie about waiting for the proper time to have sex. I see Anna working on a puzzle. The whole floor is covered in puzzle pieces. The girl I was on a date with looked like Emily (I don't remember which Emily). She said I worked. Driving with Allison and Joe. Crows, satanic Christians of Ann.

me and my body

I define myself by what I see,
so without my eyes I wouldn't be me
I define myself by what I feel,
so I'd lose myself if my skin did peel

finding my own views

I was following Buddhism for a long time. The Buddhists have a vow not to harm any living being which made me believe in them. I suppose we know plants are alive now, so that isn't possible, since we have to eat plants. In the trainings on bodhimind, the mind aspiring to enlightenment, you develop equanimity in which you have equal love for everyone. If you had kids, they would die first of all. But the Buddhist practices they taught me don't have equanimity. You offer the entire universe to the buddhas. What about sentient beings? Why not let them keep the universe? They taught me, the lotus sutra has a section, the 8,000 verse perfection of wisdom sutra which the Dalai Lama follows has a section, shantideva has a section, that by simply getting angry at the buddha or rejecting the teaching of the sutra, you'll be reborn in hell for aeons or forever. If buddha loved us he would forgive us, and such tyranny deserves anger. I did the offering practices. I regret it and feel lucky that I made it out of Buddhism alive. I felt some blissful feelings. The Buddhists want to attain omniscience as quickly as possible. I think it is absurd. They think all of life is suffering. This too is absurd. The Dalai Lama accepts and supports Jesus Christ though which I find odd.

My view: life is fine. If we're reborn we don't remember much. I think Christians are abusive to animals, especially factory farms and overfishing. These probably aren't people true to the message of God though. Buddhists are good in conduct, but abusive in words and threats. Life can be joyful, and if we'll always exist, we will probably never attain omniscience. I don't know if pure lands exist or enlightenment. I have felt chakras sometimes, but can't say the light and bliss comes from me, it could come from an outside God I suppose. I like how Buddhists have commitments rather than commandments. I don't think our body will be resurrected, I find it absurd.

My path for now is to keep learning yoga and tai chi and reading as much as I can about science. My best guess is when I die my body will be Earth and my mind will travel somewhere else, depending less on my past karma, and more on my determination to behave ethically in the future. Learning is joyful. Surprises are joyful too. I think omniscience can only be of the past or present but the future depends too much on the actions of so many unpredictable people.

coming to peace with empty space

We assume we're smarter than ants or fish because we're bigger, our brains are bigger. Then the mightiest intelligences in the cosmos must be the stars. Space is empty in a sense, but it is home to cascading interplay of light from stars. From any given point in space you'll see countless stars, and moving through space, you'll see them at different leves of brightness. If the language of stars is light, all possible conversations are the different points in space in the universe.

thoughts

Just because a government has power, it doesn't mean the gorvernment is right. Power could be the result of coercion as much as some divine appointment. The bully isn't always good and usually isn't. So Why do we assume governments are good? Why do we bend to their rules? Why do we obsess over money when governments print it?

Monsters are in our psyches because we've evolved from creatures who have had predators for as long as they've lived. Sharks are monsters to a fish. Lions are monsters to an antelope. Humans have outgrown their monsters.

In Buddhism, one is supposed to develop equanimity. In order to have perfect equanimity one would have to be all pervasive. The sun might shine equally in all directions, but how much light you get depends on how close you are to the sun. If Buddha has equanimity and remains embodied, his love would have to travel faster than the speed of light, in fact it would have to travel infinitely fast.

wackiness

I had a dream where I had my teeth pulled out and then I grew new teeth, extra teeth. Buddha has 40 teeth, I only have 32. I had a cloth in my stomach like magicians cloth and I tried to pull it out. I couldn't pull it all out and then I cut it. I was surprisingly joyful throughout these weird experiences.

a waking life miracle that happened. I prayed to Jamyang in Ann Arbor to take a bible from my room if he could and if he cared about me. He did it. I saw him at Jewel Heart and he had the bible. I thought he would need to know the bible if he wanted to help the West better.

good experiences at church

I had a dream a while back where I was dissolving into stainglass windows at church of the saints.
I went to church with my parents and bowed to all the saints windows but certainly didn't enter into them. I took one of samantabhadra's vows, to make offerings extensively, and I felt this red light all around me. The dalai lama told me to stay within my own tradition and I was born Catholic. Two days before in church I felt this incredible energy at my third eye, so peaceful and prayed for the rainforests.

death's call

death, I hear you calling me out of the blue
you've had your fill of life, and now you're through
you'd like the deep sleep that just doesn't end
into the dark abyss do you send
like your relatives, family and friends
it's the place we go that has no end
you were just a bubble in the ocean, to the ocean you return
death I hear you calling me, like you call the shrubs and ferns
my soul is lost, my dreams are gone
death I hear you calling me, the kind of magnetism I can't escape for long

I like this poem, but don't believe death is endless.

poems I wrote today

I read in the bible you can't serve god and money
they passed the collection tray around
If you give it up, you'll pass through the needle's eye I thought
poor priest though got too fat, I wonder if he can go around

I see myself in a meatlocker
reborn an enslaved cow
heaven with ecstacy passed by me
and now in misery I drown

bedtime oddity

I had a dream where Arnold Schwarzenegger came up to me in a mall and started a conversation.

feet

I read in a text by guru rinpoche, padmasambhava that hell is in our feet. sometimes feet hurt, but I had a few experiences that contradict this. when I bowed to Jamyangla's feet I felt an intense green bliss. Once, I wrote to Nick Arranof and said I was in hell right now, and then did a quick meditation on dependent origination and felt an intense bliss at my feet. In the hospital someone massaged my feet and I felt an intense bliss there. I think feet are just feet.

recounting

I was reading the lotus sutra and there was a chapter on the daughter of the powerful king of nagas that isn't in the sutra. I was reading the yoga sutras of Patanjali and there was a section about good and evil that wasn't in it the next time. I think things really are like a dream. I want to find the chapter on the daughter of the powerful king of nagas again because it said the benefit of the sutra was that one would be free from the lower realms. I guess miracles are there in a sense but they don't stay with you. They all have a message.

thinking over things

I felt this incredible bliss at my throat chakra during yoga nidra. Sometimes around Steve, the tai chi teacher, I feel blissful at my crown. I felt a red light at my throat chakra once at tai chi class. I love the spirit of tai chi class. It feels like everything will be OK. When I meditate on the New Meditation Handbook wishing love, etc. I feel so much love and bliss at my heart. I am so happy with my progress and owe my teachers everything and feel their wisdom growing inside me. Anothher time I felt my heart I was reading the sublime golden light sutra and read the chapter on the tigress, when it said Shakyamuni willingly endured hell for aeons I felt golden light at my heart. Normally I don't feel any chakras, just when I practice. I gave up school in a traditional sense and success for my spiritual practice. I stopped making assumptions and trusting the authorities and then I didn't finish college. In a many life perspective this has worked out much better. I'm still nervous about mandala offerings but I love the meditations of new meditation handbook. I want to start chanting the infinite life sutra chapters regularly. I love iron and wine a lot. When I saw the dalai lama I was hearing the voices guiding me again and meditated on how all beings have been every species of animal countless times, etc. and then I felt this red light rising from my mooladhara and I felt surrounded by a red shield. I felt my crown when I tried to visualize the dalai lama as 1,000 armed avaloketesvara. I'm reading Maitreya's middle beyond extremes. I pray my practice becomes stable and keeps growing so that I can be really happy. The band iron and wine makes me really happy. So does Regina Spektor.

things I can realistically accomplish in the next few years

get yoga certified or at least spend two years (1 1/2 more) practicing yoga, get through the 108 form of wu style tai chi and be able to do it on my own then learn wu style chi gong, write out some portions of Maitreya's works and try to memorize sections, hold the mudras in my mudra book for 2, then 3, then 4 hours each. I should fall in love with someone. It is hard living in the meat and bomb economy to think of love, but I believe it is possible. Get a healthy job that harms nobody to support myself, maybe Greenpeace or sunmoon will hire me. I want to be off cars, but winter makes transportation very difficult.

headstand and shoulderstand, extend how long I can hold them.
visit India to see Jackson and possibly meet Sadguru.

the chigong and mudras will help me change my life I strongly feel. I wish I could work on an organic garden, growing food and medicinal plants.

what are your plans?

whoa!

I hugged Britten and felt the rainforest medicine within myself. I believe she may be enlightened. It was an amazing sort of experience. It was right after asking her to sign a letter to Obama('s) staff to keep corporations from cutting forests. On another occasion, I did the prep. prayers for meditation and confessed that if I was Einstein I had written a letter saying a bomb could be built according to relativity theory and immediately felt orange light between my eyebrows. It felt like Rafael or Amida, although Amida is red, (and rafael is orange). I don't have the energy on my own to hold the asanas. It will take me thousands of years perhaps. I've read pure lands are outside of space time... which is to say that I may need to go to one to feel 'quick' results of enlightenment.
I think it is impossible to hold the mudras and asanas as long as 24 hours here.

broken meat fast

There has been this piece of fish in the fridge for months along with sausages. I broke my vegetarianism which was relatively strong for a few years. It tastes good. I accept my future death despite Dagom Rinpoche declaring I have the blessings of immortality. eek, to live forever in this world isn't my wish.

a dream

I had a dream where I prayed for diplomacy between humans and aliens so that we could find more resources and not kill ourselves. I immediately was filled with an unimaginable rush of energy and started flying like Neo. In the dream I rushed to tell people my experiences realizing the first part was a dream, thinking it still a valid reality.

missing heaven

insubstantial allowances, the government fears limitations
it seduces the masses with plundered goods and tells them they're safe behind nukes
a government corrupt against the mass of citizens of foreign lands will fall if the offerings of forced taxes came to an end
a government bakrupting its citizens into destitution and slavery
the Gods angels and bodhisattvas look down crying, sending themselves on atoms
I feel the dalai lama on the atoms, he must be everywhere or else there are no atoms
Please come buddha of the elves, send one emanation to lead us
please come Maitreya, explain your teachings so auspicious
please come teachers and wayshowers

the land erodes as we uproot every plant but wheat and barley
the soil goes and we poison the earth with pesticides
I've been wondering if the gods manifest as plants and the variety of plants reflects the variety of blessings from heaven
I pray for the native American spirits to bring back organic agriculture
I don't know whether to blame yahweh or lucipher, since the American government is under god but the freemasons bow to lucipher
Maybe the fallen angel and his God have too much power when Isis, elves, forest protectors lose their way to this missing power
I feel everyone inside myself, from Buddha to Jesus to at bad times even darkness like Hitler creeping in
and I don't know who I am....
dance it out, dance it out, play it out, play it out

auspicious experiences

A) when practicing kundalini yoga in class, I felt my 3rd eye wrapped in indigo light.

B) I made a commitment not to offer beings to anyone (as in mandala offerings of buddhism)... to not put a price on people, and prayed to Aarne Nass, the Norwegian philosopher, and then felt myself one with the life force, completely wrapped in prana and had a vision of a temple levitating above an ocean of milk with incredible trees growing. It felt like an unlimited amount of chi and it was a sign that I was on the right track.

C) I held wise man posture (or wise woman, I forget which heel) for an hour facing one direction, the bookshelf in my room counting breaths and I tried to visualize 1,000 armed Avaloketesvara and felt incredible bliss in my heart at an hour.

D) I felt like I had ushnisha when in California, I felt this blissful connection with my teachers on top of my head at my crown.

E) I was holding crab posture in the hospital, after I asked shiva to play with me, and then I meditated on the words lightning and dream, and felt like the source of lightning was within me and tried with that understanding to regard everything as lightning. It was incredible.

F) I held cobbler/my feet together while watching Jesus in India for the whole movie almost, after maybe two hours I felt this pleasurable bliss in my heart.

G) I did sun salutations for Jamyangla in Bloomington and then held shankh mudra for an hour and felt the perfect and compassionate White Tara and Amitabha present in spirit and then I did my confession and felt incredible blessings from them. It was like they were dissolving oceans of nectar and bliss into me.

H) I held full lotus and padma mudra as long as I was able and felt pink nectary energy in my mooladhara, very good.

I) I sat and meditated next to Jamyang la a couple years ago, I had a perfect visualization of the tree of visualization, made of jewels and saw lama lozang tubwang dorje chang, I felt him ask me what are your wishes, and I thought to him end samsara.

J) I held crab posture for an hour and felt this intensely blissful surge of energy at the base of my spine. I can't describe it.

K) I sat for meditation next to John Madison, and felt my whole being wrapped in red blissful energy, when the meditation ended I saw a stingray... I may end up back in the ocean as some sort of sea creature.

I dedicate all of these experiences to the ultimate happiness and enlightenment of all conscious beings. May they inspire you to keep practicing.

I believe I will one day attain enlightenment. Jamyang used to tell me, when you're enlightened you'll understand when I asked him questions. If anyone I know is enlightened it is him or his teachers I'd say. Sometimes I think they aren't giving me enough attention, but remember nobody else is giving me more.

I feel incredible worry and guilt related to my eating so much meat and seafood in my life! I'm worried I will have to take countless rebirths as animals/enslaved animals to be eaten to make up for this one life.