More fears... to be reborn as food, and to be indebted forever

   I have so many fears.  One thing I worry a lot about is all the food I ate growing up.  In Eastern philosophy it is possible for humans to be reborn as animals and for animals to be reborn as people.  I worry that I am going to have to pay back all the animals that I ate.  I've eaten thousands of shrimp, thousands of crawfish, so many fish, so many chickens, so many parts of cows, so many parts of pigs.  What if in future lives I am forced to pay that all back?  What if I have to take thousands of lives as shrimp, thousands of lives as crawfish, many lives as fish, many lives as pigs, many lives as cows, and many lives as chickens?  In order to be eaten thousands of times as shrimp, I would have to live thousands extra lives as shrimp that are not eaten.  I really think this is possible, and my hope right now is that since I have stopped eating animals, perhaps that resolution will free me from my past karma.

   Another thing that I fear is being enslaved through debt.  Right now, it doesn't appear as if I have any debt.  But if the debt of the US government is more than ten trillion, and I am forced to pay back my share of that it could be as much as 12 trillion/ 300 million people= 40,000 dollars.  Now, what if there is an interest rate on that... so it grows by 7% a year... so that would be around $3,000 a year interest.  Now, the average wage in the world is less than $3,000 a year, so potentially, I could have an escalating debt that I will never be able to pay back.  It could grow infinitely large and I could be indebted forever.  I could be forced to lose ownership of my soul and be enslaved forever.  These are the thoughts I keep having.  And the same thing could happen to anyone.

We Must Disarm Nuclear Weapons

  I feel motivated to write about my fears.  My fears run very deep and are about very huge things.  One thing I worry about is nuclear war.  People don't talk about it much.  I don't hear other people talk about their worries related to it.  But I cannot concentrate on common things such as making money because I only want to do work that will disarm nuclear weapons or help in some way.  There is great reason to fear nuclear war.  There has been a lot of warfare since civilization began.  In most wars, both sides use every weapon available to them.  I will be worried as long as there are nuclear weapons, even if we develop a one world state in which all armies are disarmed except for an international government.  I worry about nuclear weapons even in this scenario because governments have killed millions of their own people in history.  There is no practical or good use for a nuclear bomb.  All it can do is destroy and kill and cause deadly radiation.  I believe we are souls that reincarnate.  Imagine if all the major cities are obliterated.  If civilization collapses, where will our souls go when humans don't exist or perhaps only live in remote places?  We are destroying the natural habitat of the earth that supports animal life, so perhaps our souls would not reincarnate at all.  Are our souls when not in a body able to travel through the cosmos to find a new home?  Would we be stuck on Earth as ghosts, unable to find bodies?  Everything could be wiped out in a second.  All it would take is a political leader to lose his cool.  Is it reasonable to believe that our political leaders are beyond human, beyond emotion?  Is it reasonable to believe that they will never lose their cool?  Is it reasonable to believe that our political leaders cherish everyone so much that they would never harm us?  I find these views to be unreasonable.  So I am afraid.  I am afraid that this planet will turn into a cemetery.  I'm afraid we could all end up stuck as ghosts on a planet without life. 
  What do we need to do to disarm nuclear weapons?  One thought is that we need to develop a spiritual technology that is capable of preventing nuclear weapons from working.  Something that provides hope for me in this is Chapter 25 of the lotus sutra.  That sutra says if you are being attacked with weapons and cry the name of Regarder of the Cries of the World Bodhisattva the weapons will break.  Perhaps Kuan Yin, Chenrezig, Avaloketesvara, Regarder of the Cries of the World has the answer of how to stop nuclear war.  I remember writing an email to the Dalai Lama once and asking him what he could do to disarm nuclear weapons.  The next day I saw on TV, CNN or MSNBC that UFOs often disable nuclear weapons.  They will fly and disable the nuclear systems of the United States.  The person on TV wrote a book about it and said it has been happening for years. 
   I don't think we can rely forever on miracles to save us from nulcear apocalypse. We need to disarm the armies of the world and in order to do that we need to have peace between all nations.  In order to do that people need to learn multiple languages, learn multiple religions, and learn multiple cultures.  I am not good at learning multiple languages.  I am impressed by those who really do know many languages.  I am very concerned about this issue.  I do not claim to be an expert.  I would like to hear discussion of what people think needs to happen to insure that we don't have a nuclear war, not just this decade, not just this century, but throughout the possible hundreds and thousands of centuries that humans are capable of surviving.

I dedicate this post to world peace.

Collecting more stories of people's spiritual experiences

I was sitting in front of Border's again today collecting stories of people's spiritual experiences in exchange for drawings.  Here are the ones I collected today.

Anonymous- Takes niacin and stretches.  Niacin makes one aware of muscle groups.  Closest thing to a spiritual experience. Then I smoke pot and it makes me more aware of my mind.  It's an alternative to compulsive masturbation.

John W- One day two years ago, a fall day just like today.  I was at a park along the Huron River, looking across the river.  That park and trail was the last place my son and I walked before his death.  He died the evening after the walk on that trail.  As I was looking across the river admiring the fall colors in the river of the water... Trees were reflected in the water.  I asked God, I said will I see or feel more experiences of his presence or God's presence.  And maybe five seconds later I finally saw a long stem rose floating in the water, floating towards me.  Of course I was shocked and immediately felt this was an answer to my question.  The Rose was ten feet off the embankment so I couldn't reach it, but with a stick, I was eventually able to get the rose with a stick.  Of course I was shocked and immediately thought this was an answer to my question.  I will continue to be aware of God's presence and Joe's presence.  I still have the rose two years later.

Mishka- I'm a Muslim.  Whenever we have dreams, we believe there is a spiritual significance to them.  Me and my sisters, anytime someone in our family passes away we have a dream our teeth shatter a few days or a week before.  My eldest sister had the dream before my dad died.  My 2nd older sister had that dream before my grandmother died.  I had the dream before my aunt died.  Last year or six months ago, had a dream a ball of light was coming towards me.  So I was scared of the ball of light, so I chanted verses of the Qu'ran to it so that it would protect me.  The ball of light entered my body.  I was consumed by it.  I woke up and asked family and friends about it and looked at texts.  They say if you dream of a ball of light and it enters you, it means God wants to be closer to you.

Rainey- When I stayed at the anointing healing service... that was spiritual.  At communion I get so happy.

stories of spiritual experiences

I decided today to sit out in front of Borders and trade drawings for stories of spiritual experiences.  I heard three stories today. Here they are...

Bridget- I grew up religious.  I decided I didn't agree with what my religion said.  I tried praying.  It didn't work out.  I concluded God exists, but he doesn't love everyone.  He doesn't love me.  It was a dark time when I thought God didn't love me.  Empintess in my heart.  I became physically sick.  I broke down, most vulnerable.  Jesus walked into the room and put his arms around me.  I felt the hole in my heart fill up.

Brae- I was smoking DMT.  The bowl was just out of my reach.  My arm detached from my body, grabbed the bowl, returned it to me, and I smoked the bowl again.

Ian- It was probably one of the most profound spiritual experiences I have ever had.  It really really just showed how I've gotten my life... in a way I've never experienced before.  Like, I fell in love with this girl.  We had been dating for four months already, the first girlfriend I had ever had.  We were both Christians and really living lives for Christ.  Focused on Jesus.  It was really awesome.  It was going well.  And she shared with me three or four months into our relationship a lot of things were really hard to hear.  It was almost like everything, the way I had grown up, like the mistakes I had made growing up almost made what she had to say to me worse for me.  As far as her past with boyfriends and stuff she had had before.  God had... I gave it to her no doubt, she is a new creation in Christ.  I couldn't see that.  I was really torn up about what had happened and like why it happened and why it caused me so much pain.  And so much that I had to leave college, I was a freshman in college.  I had to go home, because I couldn't do anything.  I went out to this creek by my house, probably three hours out there that day, crying out to God.  I couldn't understand why.  It was really really painful.  I had been through a lot of painful things, and that is by far the worst I had ever felt.  That day, over the course of those three hours, God changed my heart completely.  And it was weird, I know it was such a miraculous supernatural experience because it was nothing that I could have done on my own.  Because I tried (or maybe he said cried).  And I couldn't.  And it changed my heart in such a way that I didn't care what she had done and what had happened.  I could not get my self to love the things that led her to Christ.  I couldn't.  Loving myself to hate that.  You know because it was through those broken experiences she developed that relationship to Christ.  And I could... I journaled it all out and talked to some of my friends about it, about how... They were pretty shocked too because they had seen me in pieces.

I might try again trading drawings for spiritual experiences.  Off to tai chi for now to see Steve Ross, the wise, the humble, the strong, the meditative, the selfless.

crystal

Last monday I went to Sondra's yoga class.  I gave her a crystal that I had gotten from my aunt Maureen.  The crystal was partially purple and partically clear.  It made me think of my ajna and sahasrara chakras because those are the colors those chakras are supposed to be.  They are the chakras that I feel most often.  When I was at my aunt's house I was surprised at how I would have amazing and wonderful spiritual experiences when I read the bhagavad gita.  Then I would try to meditate on the crystal or feel some effect from the crystal but it would have no effect on me.  It would lead me to conclude that the Gita was more valuable to me than the crystal.  I was at church today and the priest gave a talk about someone who heard about a yogi or meditator with a valuable crystal.  The crystal was so valuable that it would make him rich for his whole life.  He went to the yogi and asked for the crystal.  The yogi gave it to him and he couldn't sleep that night.  Then he gave the crystal back to the yogi and told the yogi that what he really wanted was the wealth the yogi must feel inside himself that allowed him to give up the crystal.  What was so strange was that the priest was off the altar between the rows and he was staring right at me during the homily when he was talking about giving the crystal back to the yogi as if I was the yogi.  It was a super strange coincidence that I gave the crystal to Sondra and then the next Sunday the priest was staring at me while talking about a yogi with a crystal.  I have been trying to go back to Christianity with more faith.  I have been trying to go back to Christianity and believe.  I have been having some experiences at church that have been wonderful.  I remember one recently where I was praying and I felt intense bliss at the crown of my head.  I remember one experience where I prayed to St. Genevieve and then I felt peace and I felt the peace spread out so far beyond me and then it seemed to be gone.  When I confessed to Father Ben I could kind of see and feel his aura, this kind of red energy.  I think that all religions have spiritual experiences when people practice with faith and when people practice according to their best understanding of goodness.  I have not completely abandoned study of Buddhism, Hinduism, or any other religion, but I am trying to embrace the faith of my family and of my birth, Christianity.

I went to a friend's cd release party.  I ran into someone I knew from Sahaja yoga there, Aric Schaffer.  He wants to start a solar panel company, one that installs solar panels. I have been doing some research for him.  I hope we can do our part to end global warming.  We both want to reduce global warming emissions and pollution related to fossil fuels.  He's a very friendly fellow.  I hope that we can make it work out.

Outside Lands Music festival

    I ended up going to the Outside Lands Music Festival in San Francisco. It is a strange story of how I made it there.  I met the is girl Lauren in the coffee shop.  One day I was sitting in the coffee shop and she sat diagonally across from me.  She looked like a hippie. She had dreadlocks and a bandanna in her hair.  I wrote her a letter, and she wrote me one back. Then I wrote her another letter, and she wrote me one back.  We ended up seeing each other several more times at the coffee shop and once in the grocery store. She told me about the music festival and I really wanted to go.  I called my Uncle Kevin and Chrissy answered.  She said I could stay there for the festival and said that Allison and Joe go every year.  I bought the ticket on Lauren's computer when she said she could give me a ride.  It's kind of funny, because Lauren didn't end up going to the festival at all and I wouldn't have been able to get a ride with her.  I ended up getting a ride with Kelsey who I met at the coffee shop later.  I found out she was going and asked her for a backup ride which I ended up using. 
   I gained a strong desire that when I was at the music festival, I would try paying respects to the musicians by bowing down to them, making prostrations.  My reasoning for it goes back to what I learned from going to the Tibetan Buddhist Monastery in Bloomington.  There was a monk there named Jamyang  and I got to meet his teacher.  I had so many meditative experiences there that were beyond anything I had ever known.  I developed a lot of faith in them.  Jamyang's teacher taught there one day and Jamyang translated.  He said many things.  He said if you want to attain enlightenment, there are seven things you have to do.  You have to pay homage to the buddhas, make offerings, rejoice in all merit, confess all sins and downfalls, request them to turn the wheel of dharma, request the spiritual guide to remain, and dedicate your merit.  He gave me a sort of assignment, he told me to make 100,000 prostrations.  Prostrations come under homage.  I would make prostrations when I saw Jamyang and whenever I would, that same day I would end up feeling extremely blissful, feeling spiritual energy at my heart or third eye.  But I moved to Ann Arbor so I can't see Jamyang very often.  I make prostrations to the Sun, the Moon, trees, people I respect and look up to... But often times I make prostrations to an altar with books.  I realized that I should make my 100,000 prostrations to people with talents and realizations beyond my own, rather than to walls.  So I thought it was a great opportunity at this music festival to pay respects to great artists, so I was determined to do it no matter how embarrassing it was.
   The first day of the music festival there was a band playing called White Denim that I liked.  I missed Beck.  I met Allison and Joe there and we spent some time together.  I left them because I wanted to see Beck, but I was too late for Beck.  And then I couldn't find them again, Joe said his phone wasn't working.  I spent time looking for women by themselves or for women together without guys.  It was hard to find, but when I made prostrations towards the stage, right afterwards I would see a girl by herself who I could talk to or dance with. 
  The second day at the festival, I called Steve Ross and told him he should learn to teleport so that he could come to the festival.  Then when I looked at the list of who was playing, I saw Sigur Ros, one of my favorite bands in the world, or perhaps my favorite.  I went to the festival that morning and saw some bands that I really enjoyed.  I saw a band called Corey Chisel and the Wandering Sons that was awesome. I made prostrations to them out of respect. Later that day, someone told me I could meet the singer, that he was playing in a tent, and they were in there in a small tent and I was able to get very close to him. I was able to talk to him. I had to stand by him and smile as big as I could so he would come up to me. I asked him if there were any books on songwriting that he recommended. He said he hasn't read any. Then I asked if he had any advice on songwriting. He told me, write a song about whatever you are the most uncomfortable to talk about. Those are the songs that people like the most. I touched his foot, he was on a stage, and then he shook my hand.  It was funny, I was very uncomfortable touching his foot, but when he mentioned people liked songs about things we're uncomfortable with, I thought I would do it.  It was strange, the singer reminded me of Ryder Timberlake from the Monastery.  I saw a band Animal Kingdom that I really liked.  Then I met up with Allison and Joe again and saw Portugal the Man, Explosions in the Sky, and The Kills with them.  During the Kills they wandered further into the crowd of people around the stage than I was able to go.  I lost sight of them, and I decided to go to Nora Jones.
    At Nora Jones, I met this girl Katherine.  She called herself Kat.  We started talking.  She had rainbow colored paint on her face.  I told her about the Hopi Prophecy of the Rainbow Warriors who were supposed to save the world from being destroyed.  I said I wish I was a rainbow warrior, and then she painted my face like hers.  We spent a long time together and it seemed like all of the music that I liked she liked too.  Every band I mentioned that I had liked at some point in my life she liked too.  She asked me what I did and I took out the Meditation Handbook and showed her the two meditations that I do most often.  She sat in full lotus with me.  She said she thought Buddhism was how you do unto others as you would have them do unto you.  We wandered around for a long time.  We saw one girl who was passed out on the walk way.  I called out Jesus's name and she got up and we helped to walk her to the medical place.  We ended up going to Sigur Ros together.  Right before they started we kissed and then they started playing.  She said she was going to find her friends who she left for me, and bring them back to where I was in the crowd.  I texted her and she said she couldn't find me in the crowd.
  The third day there were some good bands too.  I saw Regina Spektor and Franz Ferdinand.  I didn't particularly enjoy Franz Ferdinand.  There was a smaller stage with a much smaller crowd that I went to.  One guy that sang there sang a line about the devil being inside him.  I was able to talk to him afterwards and I asked him about the devil.  I asked if it was literally inside him, and he said yes.  I walked away, and decided to come back to ask him more.  I asked him what the devil was like, then asked if he was good or evil.  He said "he has his good days, but if you get on his bad side..." I was really interested in learning about the devil because he seems like the most hated and tortured being in religion, yet from what I read in the bible, when he tempted Jesus he seems very logical and generous.  I told him if he wanted the devil out of him he could try saying Leave in the name of Jesus Christ because the bible seems to say one can drive out demons with Jesus's name.  It was an interesting conversation, and for a second I felt like an evangelical Christian. 
  I was able to get a ride back with Kelsey.  I remember seeing a shooting star on the ride home.  The highlights of the trip were meeting the singer of Corey Chisel and the Wandering Sons, and meeting Katherine.  My hope is that I can see Katherine again.  I bought my plane ticket back to Ann Arbor.
    I like to share my dreams.  Last night I dreamed that I saw Father Dennis Dillon, a priest in Ann Arbor.  We were in a mall, and I remember being with him and seeing a Mercedes or some other luxery car going up an escalator.  I remember dreaming later of being in yoga class with Sondra and feeling like my mind was being torn apart from trying to follow both Sondra and Jamyang. It was like I was trying to be in two places at once.  That is what I remember feeling.  It seems if I work on things that Sondra told me to do, such as her telling me about what happens if you hold a headstand for three hours, or her telling me to read certain books, I seem to see her in dreams.  I read some of the viveka chudamani, so perhaps that is why I dreamed of her. 

My time in California so Far

I've been in California for a while.  When I asked Steve what I should do this year that I'm in California, he said do the form, meditate, and then some other things that I don't remember.  I have been doing the form at sunset.  Some days it is too hot to be comfortable doing it during the day.  I have been doing some meditation at night too.  Mainly I have been focusing on the great compassion meditation and the equalizing self and others meditation from The Meditation Handbook by Geshe Kelsang Gyatso.  I don't always feel spiritual energy when I do the practice, but at the very least the practice is positive thinking, a positive thing to concentrate upon.  I have been dreaming most nights which I look forward to when I go to bed.  I visited Nils one weekend.  We went to some conference about how to meet your soul mate.  And then we went to a hot springs where there were many beautiful people.  Everyone was nude there.  I had this intense experience when I was meditating one day at Nils's of blissful love at the base of my spine.  The meditation was enjoyable.  I have a copy of the Bhagavad Gita that Deva Madhava Das gave me.  I had a couple experiences of this blissful nectar energy when I was reading it.  But, I am certainly frightened of Krishna now.  The energy was what I needed to feel to not overreact and get completely frightened of Krishna.  Krishna said in one verse that he will devour everyone.  The explanation was that the universe will dissolve back into him.  I guess that makes sense, but using the word devour is kind of like treating everyone like food.  Another verse said that those who go to Krishna's spiritual realm will never return here.  I think what is meant by here, is the planet earth.  It is so strange that I have these intense spiritual experiences when I am reading things that would otherwise disturb me so much.  I don't know if the experiences came from simply reading the gita, chanting the hare krishna mantra, or maybe it is because I had left a message for Sondra that I wanted to receive her best blessing.  Maybe that was her best blessing.  I have been staring at the stars a lot of nights, lying on my back.  One night I remember seeing this light moving across the sky, and I asked it out loud, who are you, what are you?  then it got extremely bright for just a second and then became too dim to see.  That same night I saw another light moving across the sky on a night without clouds, and then I heard a crash like thunder and for a second the whole sky seemed white.  I like concentrating on one star at a time, and then seeing how it seems to move.  I haven't been doing as much art as I would have liked.  John got angry at me one day.  He had told me he didn't think he could be my art teacher or that he was trained as an artist.  He thought I could get into art school.  But in any case, he broke up with me as my art teacher.  I ended up crying about it and when I did I felt this intense blissful spirit on the crown of my head.  I don't know who it was.  John gave me a book with drawing exercises and I have been letting the book train me.  It is lonely in california.  If anyone wants to call me, feel free.  I love having people to talk to.

trips to Ashrams, chasing Krishna

I went with Deva Madhava Das to Detroit to visit the Ashram.  I met a lot of people there.  We spent a lot of time chanting the Hare Krishna mantra.  I learned that they believe Krishna had 16,108 wives and ten children with each of them.  It seems so crazy to me.  I naturally don't really like that idea.  They have a precept against all intoxicants including caffeine.  I was so tired waking up at 7 in the morning and not having any coffee.  I didn't have any spiritual experiences in Detroit the whole time I was there except for dreams.  I dream even when I am at home.  I went the next weekend with Deva to New Vrindavan in West Virginia, another Hare Krishna temple.  I didn't really have any spiritual experiences there either.  I met a couple people I liked though.  I met this woman Kelly.  She said when she enters into meditation she can hear Vishnu.  I asked her to give me a message from Vishnu and she did after the trip was over.  She said "What came was that all sorts of light will be coming your way, that the Gita has all the answers to your questions. Be patient my friend and let things happen as they should."  I also spent some time talking to a woman, Cristina.  I had seen her before at Bhakti Yoga society.  I am hoping I will get to be good friends with her.  I heard from Nichelle after the trip.  She almost overdosed on cocaine.  It was shocking to hear.  When I last posted I said that I was thinking about going to the homeless shelter this summer when my parents leave town.  But I thought of going to D.C. and Vermont instead.  I wanted to volunteer for the Earth Policy Institute. I emailed them and called them and inquired into volunteering there.  They finally wrote back and told me that they don't have any volunteer opportunities.  At this point my plan for the summer is just to subdue my ego and go to California with my parents.  If nothing else comes up, I can read, do art, tai chi, and yoga.  During yoga teacher training I got into the habit of doing shambhavi mahamudra and then nithya yoga one right after the other in the morning.  When I would do it, I would feel intense bliss at the base of my spine.  I tried it again today and earlier this week but I did not feel the bliss at the base of my spine.  I cannot imagine what nirvana is like, so recently I have been trying to just enjoy being alive.  I feel that religions have too much conviction in their own paths and Gods when clearly there is conflict between them.  I just hope God will be kind to me and let me have what I need and want.  I hope God can do that for everyone.

update

What's new Liam?  I was remembering the experiences I had holding mudras for long periods of time a long time ago and I wanted to feel the bliss again.  I decided to try again. One day I went to the diag and held a mudra for a while counting my breaths.  A couple people came up to me.  One person's name was Deva Das.  He read me a verse from the Bhagavad Gita about how our soul was not created and how nobody can destroy the soul.  I was familiar with the idea and it was refreshing to meet someone who had the same belief.  He insisted I accept a copy of the Gita from him which I had already read from college hinduism class and from yoga teacher training.  I took it and told him I may not read it, because I had a lot of unread books already.  He said, he wanted me to read the introduction.  When I read the introduction, I felt intense bliss at my ajna chakra, which is not unusual for me anymore.  The introduction said that living beings are permanent.  I'm not sure if this is true or not.  Shantideva has said, as long as sentient beings remain, and as long as space endures, may I too remain.  Avaloketesvara has vowed in past lives, probably past eons, to remain until all beings attain nirvana.  if it is true that living beings are permanent, then these two souls may rethink their vow or else simply remain forever.  It said that if we think of Krishna and only Krishna when we are dying we will be taken by him to his world or heaven where there is no sickness, old age, or death.  I wonder what it is like there!

I have largely quit my job fixing chips in windshields because business was too slow.  I intend to get back into meditation, reading, drawing, playing ukulele and other things to fill up the time.  I have been reading Criss Angel's book, secret revelations.  He says early on in the book that some of what he does is genuine and some of it is a trick or an illusion.  He says what most people think is genuine isn't, and what most people think is a trick or an illusion is genuine.  Later in the book he says nothing he does is supernatural and that he doesn't believe in anything supernatural.  Perhaps these powers are natural, part of our buddha nature?  I have been having dreams most nights.  I dreamed last night I was falling down a cliff.  There were tiny ledges on the way down.  At the end of it I wanted to just fall and cry out to avaloketesvara or God to see if crying would break the fall.  I think it did.  I remember someone fell after me and I cried for him and he sort of levitated as he was about to hit the ground as I cried for him.

My parents are going to California this summer.  They won't let me stay in the house here when they leave.  I plan to move into the homeless shelter.

Nichelle and the heart sutra

I got a bus ticket to visit Nichelle in Bloomington on Wednesday. I love Nichelle. She says she loves me. We went to the same high school and middle school but didn't know each other. She was friends with Jason and I met her one day when we were both hanging out with Jason. I learned from Jewel Heart email that the Dalai Lama was going to teach in Bloomington one day. It was really strange and coincidental timing. Gehlek Rinpoche had told me that if I disparaged my guru I would go to hell for aeons. Up to that point, I had thought Jewel Heart was different than DGTL where they had also threatened me with eternities in hell if I did the tiniest thing wrong. I like the teachings in Buddhism of loving everyone equally including animals, of taking the suffering of others upon myself and offering away my happiness. I love feeling the blissfulness of meditation. So when I hear things about hell, my tendency is to hold on to the things that Buddhism offers that I like, but not believe in these thoughts about hell. But it really go to me. It led me to do perhaps the craziest thing I have ever done. I wrote out the heart sutra in my blood. I cut my hands and used a paint brush. I changed one thing. The heart sutra says there is no form, no feeling, etc. When the dalai lama taught in Ann Arbor he was teaching how what is meant by that was that there is no inherently existing form, feeling, or any other aggregate. so I wrote [inherently existing] in brackets. It was strange that the Dalai Lama had taught in Ann Arbor when he did. I had told Ujjen right before that, that I wished the Dalai Lama would teach in Ann Arbor in front of a huge crowd because I heard that anyone who saw the dalai lama in person would not be reborn in the lower realms. Well after I wrote out the heart sutra in my blood I put it in front of a picture of the dalai lama at jewel heart and then I got the email that the dalai lama was teaching about the heart sutra in Bloomington. Nichelle picked me up from the greyhound station in Indianapolis and we did some chigong and tai chi together and hung out at a coffee shop. After that we talked on the phone for a long time over the next couple years. I've been trying to date her since I got back from California. She visited me in Ann Arbor and I tried to share my spiritual teachers with her, taking her to see Sondra at Sun Moon yoga and Steve at Wu-style Ann Arbor (tai chi). We sometimes say some deep words of commitment to each other, but it is hard living in different cities. I wish I could live with her. I have told her I would move to Bloomington and she has said she would move to Ann Arbor. We have talked about going to California in March. Hmmm...