nightmare hospital visit

I was in the hospital for a couple days.  I was having recurring fears that I could be implicated in serious evils through ignorance.  I thought I might end up getting in serious trouble. I took too many antidepressants.  Even before I did that I was throwing up like crazy for days. I couldn't stop vomiting.  I felt so awful.  Then after I took too many antidepressants everything seemed like a dream.  I would experience the same thing three times in a row.  I was in the hospital with all sorts of needles in me.  I kept vomiting. It doesn't seem real.  They needed urine but I couldn't pee.  I would drink a lot of water but the water made me vomit more rather than need to pee.  They said I had 15 minutes to give urine or they would do some sort of surgery to get the urine out of my bladder.  At the last minute I was able to pee a little. They kept moving me from room to room and sticking all sorts of needles in me. It seems like a dream a nightmare.  Now that I'm out of the hospital it seems like it would take a miracle for me to live through the next few years.  I am in California.  I have been here for just a few weeks and already things are tough. I have been trying to do tai chi and yoga in the mornings in the park.  I try to keep a dream journal.  I read some here and there. I have all these buddhist books in my room, and now I don't have faith in Buddhism anymore. I want to think for myself.  I don't think I've had any past lives. I feel like Buddhists gave me a lot of delusions that really messed up my life.  I want to get rid of the Buddhist books in my room, get them away from me because they might make me worse again.  I am struggling.  Having hardly anything to do can be just as much of a struggle as having way too much to do because in my free time I end up calling on God and praying hoping for some sign that he is there.  I end up thinking the same thoughts over and over looking for some confirmation from someone that they are good thoughts, but when nobody understands what I'm talking about I get annoyed.  Well, I hope I make it through this year.  I don't know what the hospital bill is or if insurance will pay for it.  At least I have good dreams once in a while.  I hope I don't end up doing anything evil in my life.  I have a new desire to find God, find salvation, and find a place in heaven.  I hope I don't go back to Buddhism.  I'm seeing more than ever that life is full of unhappiness.