journeys of a dreamer

Nichelle and the heart sutra

2012-01-21T10:13:00.000-08:00

I got a bus ticket to visit Nichelle in Bloomington on Wednesday. I love Nichelle. She says she loves me. We went to the same high school and middle school but didn't know each other. She was friends with Jason and I met her one day when we were both hanging out with Jason. I learned from Jewel Heart email that the Dalai Lama was going to teach in Bloomington one day. It was really strange and coincidental timing. Gehlek Rinpoche had told me that if I disparaged my guru I would go to hell for aeons. Up to that point, I had thought Jewel Heart was different than DGTL where they had also threatened me with eternities in hell if I did the tiniest thing wrong. I like the teachings in Buddhism of loving everyone equally including animals, of taking the suffering of others upon myself and offering away my happiness. I love feeling the blissfulness of meditation. So when I hear things about hell, my tendency is to hold on to the things that Buddhism offers that I like, but not believe in these thoughts about hell. But it really go to me. It led me to do perhaps the craziest thing I have ever done. I wrote out the heart sutra in my blood. I cut my hands and used a paint brush. I changed one thing. The heart sutra says there is no form, no feeling, etc. When the dalai lama taught in Ann Arbor he was teaching how what is meant by that was that there is no inherently existing form, feeling, or any other aggregate. so I wrote [inherently existing] in brackets. It was strange that the Dalai Lama had taught in Ann Arbor when he did. I had told Ujjen right before that, that I wished the Dalai Lama would teach in Ann Arbor in front of a huge crowd because I heard that anyone who saw the dalai lama in person would not be reborn in the lower realms. Well after I wrote out the heart sutra in my blood I put it in front of a picture of the dalai lama at jewel heart and then I got the email that the dalai lama was teaching about the heart sutra in Bloomington. Nichelle picked me up from the greyhound station in Indianapolis and we did some chigong and tai chi together and hung out at a coffee shop. After that we talked on the phone for a long time over the next couple years. I've been trying to date her since I got back from California. She visited me in Ann Arbor and I tried to share my spiritual teachers with her, taking her to see Sondra at Sun Moon yoga and Steve at Wu-style Ann Arbor (tai chi). We sometimes say some deep words of commitment to each other, but it is hard living in different cities. I wish I could live with her. I have told her I would move to Bloomington and she has said she would move to Ann Arbor. We have talked about going to California in March. Hmmm...

messages from the sky

2011-12-14T13:22:00.000-08:00

I have a job fixing chips in windshields. I met this guy who works for the same person named Gary. He told me he has seen Jesus in person and has been healed by him many times. He told me to read a book called "Face to Face Appearances from Jesus." The book said that anyone who read it would meet with Jesus face to face. The book talked about the authors encounters with Jesus and some other things. I finished the book and had not seen Jesus. I called Gary and asked him what I did wrong and he said a prayer for me to meet with him. I went to tai chi that day and met with Steve. I was telling him about the book and how I hadn't seen Jesus and I was joking with him, you're not Jesus are you? He said he didn't know. I didn't realize Steve was giving the tai chi lessons for free, so I insisted that he take an extra five dollars for himself even though it was hardly anything because he was dedicating a lot of time and effort to me. I called for a ride home from tai chi and on the way home my mom and I saw five orange lights in the sky. They must have been in the atmosphere because they were moving in the sky as we were driving. When we got home we could still see three and they were moving even as we were still. My mom went to get my dad. By the time my Dad got outside the lights had flown away.

It is weird. Sometimes I will stare at the stars lying on my back. I will concentrate as best I can on one star sometimes. Sometimes that one star will appear to be moving in the sky, left, right, up, down. But when I stop focusing on it and stare at all the stars together I see that it is in the same place relative to the other stars so it couldn't have been moving. The Buddhists have this idea of enlightenment, and I don't know if I've ever seen an enlightened human, but undoubtedly the stars are enlightened. So I pray to them. One day I was talking to them, sometimes I call them God, and I was asking to see a sign. I forget what exactly I wanted a sign about. I might have asked for a sign to know if Nichelle is the right person for me, but maybe I was talking about something else, and then this orange streak of light appeared in the sky, a shooting star. It was orange.

I may get to work with Professor Noam Chomsky, or at least talk to him about what I can do to help him on his quest to disarm the weapons of the world

2011-11-10T13:12:00.000-08:00

I wrote to Noam Chomsky several times and heard back from him. Nate O'Donnell told me I should offer to volunteer for him and eventually I decided it was a good idea and did.

Here's what I wrote him and what he wrote me back:

Dear Professor Chomsky,
I feel like I am doing nothing to contribute to the shift in consciousness and lifestyle necessary to see the disarmament of the weapons of the world that could end all life. I am doing very little to make society shift towards a sustainable economy that will prevent a huge collapse of the economy and the ecology that could happen at any time. You are the leader that has inspired me more than any other to shift how I view the government and the economy so that I can help save the world from disaster or at least stop contributing. I want to work for you. I could work for you full time and you wouldn't necessarily have to pay me anything. I could volunteer. I was diagnosed with schizophrenia so I get disability money from the government. If that could somehow pay enough for me to live in Boston where MIT is then I could donate many many hours doing whatever you think I should do. I revere you more than anyone. I was a great high school student. I did well in college until I read books like yours and others related to the problems facing the environment and I wanted an alternative path and I lost the necessary respect for the economics professors and ideas that would let me complete those assignments and studies. I don't think I could get into MIT to actually work with you as staff or as a student and even if I could you teach linguistics and not the stuff you write about in your other books. I'd imagine that there are a lot of people who want to help you. I will serve you and do whatever you think I should do. If you give me a list of ten books to read I will start reading them right away. If you tell me to write letters to specific people about specific issues I will do it. Right now I'm fixing chips in windshields. I have this hope that we can shift the tide of things so that the world starts to get better. I need someone to lead me. I expect you don't want my help, but if there is a one in a thousand chance that you could use my help it is worth the time writing this email to offer it. Below is a resume I wrote up very quickly and then I will give you contact information below that

Noam Chomsky responded:

Very pleased, and touched, to receive your very kind offer. I’d be very pleased to find a way to cooperate in matters that interest you. I have never actually had anyone working for me, but have often been involved in cooperative efforts. Maybe we could explore some options – though this is a bad time for me. For the next few months I have hardly a moment between travel abroad and intense commitments while I’m here.

Noam Chomsky

I wrote back

Dear Professor Chomsky:

I hope you remember to write to me when you have some free time after a few months. I will have to remember to write to you in a few months to remind you. The things that interest me most are
1.) getting the nuclear weapons and other weapons of mass destruction disarmed in this country and other countries
2.) stopping the destruction of habitat such as forests and stopping pollution which are causing a mass extinction.
3.) working towards a government that respects the rights of all nations and peoples. This includes stopping the government atrocities you talked about in your book Hopes and Prospects.
4. working towards a sustainable economy that simultaneously provides everything that everyone needs. Maybe cars and computers are not sustainable enough for everyone to have one. Burning fossil fuels is unsustainable and probably is causing global warming. Two things that will limit us are soil erosion leading to desertification which is happening rapidly and the loss of fresh water through pollution as well as overuse for irrigation or other use.

I am not a Ph.D. like you. I try to read a lot. I try to live without harming anyone. I try not to contribute to the problems. I try to learn from ancient philosophies like taoism, Buddhism, yoga, and sometimes Christianity to find power within myself to be happy doing what is right. I guess that is what I can offer. I am so happy you might work with me!

Are there other areas other than the four I mentioned that you think I could help you with? Are you interested in any of those four areas?

Noam Chomsky wrote back:

These are issues of fundamental importance. If we can figure out a way in which you can work on these issues and I can offer some help, let’s try. Maybe by January there’ll be enough time at least to talk about it.

Noam Chomsky

I heard back from Chip Hartranft who translated the yoga sutras. Here' what I wrote him and what he said

2011-11-10T13:01:00.001-08:00

Dear Arlington Center,
I wanted to ask Chip Hartranft about the practice of the yoga sutras. I want to be able to practice dharana, dhyana, and samadhi. I want insights about the universe by meditating on the sun. I want to eradicate hunger and thirst by meditating on the pit of the throat. I want to attain the perspective of the perfected ones by meditating on the light at the crown of the head. I want to become luminous by mastering the flow of energy through the solar plexus. I want to master the elements. All these things Chip Hartranft's translation of the yoga sutras says are possible. But I cannot do any of these things. What am I supposed to do from the stage that I am at now to start to develop some of these amazing attainments? Are there some gradual stages of practice that I am capable of doing? I cannot figure out how to meditate properly to get these realizations just from reading books. Is there any advice or blessings that Chip can offer me. When I read the third chapter of the yoga sutras I feel it is as if they are teaching graduate school courses to somoene who doesn't know his alphabet yet. How do I get some realization?

Liam St. John

Dear Liam

Thank you for your note, which was forwarded to me.

The portion of the Yoga-sutra dealing with sh(r)amanic/animal powers is one of the most interesting and misunderstood aspects of the ancient yoga. The shamanic attainments and their place in the spirituality of early South Asian indigenes appears to have preceded liberation yoga - the primary theme of the Yoga-sutra - and co-evolved with it. If David Gordon White is to be believed - and at least in part, I think he might be - the shamanic aspect of the yogin has predominated throughout history, perhaps owing to its precedence but more probably due to the widespread appeal and interest in powers (not to mention the easy profit to be made from their pretense or misuse). That would explain why Patañjali dutifully includes them in his compendium of yogic lore - they are associated with samadhi, even though the powers themselves are not essential to attaining the path.

You see, some - but not all - yogis who develop higher levels of dhyana/jhana often notice some - but not all - of these sorts of powers arising spontaneously. In the Buddha's circle, for example, Maha Moggallana acquired several, while the most insightful of them all, Sariputta, did not.

I don't know if it is possible to say that any given person - say, you - will be gifted in this way, no matter what level of absorption is reached. It is important to realize, though, that the 'extraordinary powers' themselves are not liberating. In fact, the higher forms of concentration that may produce the powers are not enlightening in and of themselves, either. No one awakens to things as they are (yatha-bhutam) in mind & body while ensconced in the form or formless dhyana/jhanas. However, those who develop themselves through 'yoking' and progress to any degree of authentic collectedness (samadhi), even the first stages, will find themselves in the neighborhood of wisdom. Anytime you're in the neighborhood, cessation (nirodha) is a possibility, lying within reach. Just keep letting go...

By the way, the specifics of several of the vibhuti, including the 'pit of the throat' contemplation, have been buried by the shifting sands of time. That's not to say that there aren't a few contemporary teachers who confidently claim they know what the details are, but no one can say for sure what Patañjali meant. One thing is for certain, though - these are not in fact strictly relevant to wisdom. The awakening and liberation that the Yoga-sutra maps and describes involve stilling body and mind until the transparent yet luminous emptiness of awareness reveals itself and its utter freedom from causality.

If you wish to develop insight, and are seeking happiness and freedom rather than power, look for extended meditation retreats without alot of ideology. The best 'yogic' practice being taught these days, especially in the West, is at Buddhist retreat centers like the Insight Meditation Society in Barre, MA, and Spirit Rock in Woodacre, CA. Each is located in a beautiful setting and offers inexpensive retreats ranging from a weekend to IMS's annual three month retreat, taught by the most insightful meditation teachers from the US, Europe, and Asia.

Warm wishes,

Chip

update

2011-09-17T08:06:00.000-07:00

I came to a realization recently while I was at work. One of the assumptions of geometry is that there is such a thing as a point. A point is the smallest possible size and is located at a specific place. My realization was that if the point had a size, you could always zoom into it and you could preak it into parts, a top, a bottom, a left side and a right side. If it were infinitely small, it wouldn't exist at all and there would be no point. I called my friend Mike Adams who studied to be a math teacher and who I had a conversation with about the postulates of geometry. I told him I didn't think there was such a thing as a point and he said, well there's no such thing as a plane either because it would have length and width, but no height, and if it didn't have height it wouldn't exist at all. He said geometry was a logical structure based on assumptions that are false.

I got a job with Chips-All-Gone. I am fixing stone chips in windshields. I think it is going to pay enough money to allow me to get by. I want to make sure I keep exercising a lot and make sure I don't buy a car and start driving everywhere. It will be more of a challenge with a job.

I am visiting Nichelle in Bloomington. I don't know what we are going to do. There are some yoga classes we can go to. She got a job at Bear's and her first day is today. I am not sure how much time she will have free to spend with me.

Well, I like to talk about my dreams but I can only talk about ones that I can remember because I don't have my dream journal with me. In one dream there was this ocean of colored energy and the waves would hit me. It was incredibly beautiful. In another dream I was with Britten and we were looking at a drawing that someone drew about their possible futures. One of the pictures on it was soldiers. Well, my mind is kind of blank on other dreams. I don't remember any dreams from last night. I wonder why I dream sometimes and other times I cannot remember.

I read some things on the bus ride to Bloomington. I read a discover magazine. There was an article about dolphins. They did tests on dolphins to see if they were self conscious by putting a mark on them and then putting them next to a mirror to see if they noticed it. They have done the same tests to chimpanzees to prove they were self conscious. Both the dolphins and chimpanzees reacted to the marks. Some dolphin activists protested the rounding up of dolphins and the selling of them to places like sea world. They got a 100 million dollar lawsuit against them. It seems like such an excessive amount of money and it scares the part of me that wants to be an activist.

back in Ann Arbor

2011-08-16T09:07:00.000-07:00

I am back in Ann Arbor. I put my resume up on craigslist pretty quickly after getting home and waited. The only real response I got was from a company called pre-paid legal Inc. The company sells legal insurance. For 17 dollars a month or so you can get unlimited phone calls to lawyers and unlimited letters written on your behalf. It doesn't sound like a bad product. However, when I tried to find third party information about the company I read on wikipedia that less than 25% of their sales representatives sold more than one plan in 2005. They want me to buy a plan before I sell any and that would cost me more than I am going to make. I don't want to sell anything to my friends and they expect you to market to your friends. So I turned down the job. I turned in a couple applications other places. I applied at the people's food co-op and the Northside Grill. Well, without work I have plenty of free time. I have been walking a lot, usually one trip downtown and back everyday on foot which is more than an hour of walking. I have been going to yoga and tai chi classes. I am going back through this huge packet of articles I had for yoga teacher training. I have had some spiritual experiences again like a feeling of bliss and peace at my third eye while reading the yoga teacher articles or feelings of peace and calm at yoga class. I felt chi in my hands after doing the tai chi form in class. I ran into Shawn Veeder again who likes to call himself nobody. I met this guy Harison when hanging out with Shawn. His parents were hari Krishnas so I guess the name is from Hari. We had great discussions about the most outlandish thoughts I have had and he gave me some more outlandish ideas I hadn't thought of before. I think the thoughts would seem outlandish to most people but during the discussion they seemed quite plausible. I have kept drawing at coffee shops. There are more coffee shops here so it is easier to find people to draw. Nichelle might visit Ann Arbor soon. More bliss to you all.

2011-07-20T12:32:00.000-07:00

I leave California for Ann Arbor soon. I met a couple people who live in Willits at a party in Cobb. I visited them. They had a book by Terrence Mckenna that was pretty interesting. I only read the introduction and part of the first chapter. In that short space, he said the drug cartels were started by the government and he said the reason the human brain grew compared to our ape ancestors was because we started to ingest psychoactive plants such as mushrooms. When I get back to Ann Arbor I plan to go to tai chi class and yoga class as often as I can. I hope I have a new set of mystical experiences and realizations. It seems my old experiences at Buddhist centers and yoga centers and all my experiences meditating had no lasting impact. Perhaps I am just chasing temporary experiences. But if nothing is permanent, then I might as well make my temporary experiences as joyful as possible. I've been doing some art since I got to California. I don't think I will ever be able to make a living at it. My doubt makes my art teacher who is my uncle upset.

dream

2011-04-23T14:36:00.000-07:00

I dreamed last night they were breeding a race of people who could travel through space. Then there was a holocaust and they were all killed. I remember hiding in a forcefield ball.

Is it possible to see the future in a dream? Could some dreams be memories of past lives?

starlight song

2011-04-18T15:47:00.000-07:00

hey there starlight
I wish I could take flight
Patanjali says I can fly through space
I don't know if I can keep the pace
At the speed of light my body would be no more.
I'd be all alone for years, what a bore.
The stars are light years away.
What could I breathe so far away?
Why would God create this vast infinity,
if it wasn't for you and it wasn't for me?
Maybe we can be reborn on other planets
When we've been in one place too long and have just had it.
Hey there starlight
I wish I could take flight
staring into the vast galaxy
I wish I could travel free
Can I be like a little photon in the sky
Meeting no obstacles low or high
Can I illuminate a world with cities
Like sun's rays so full of pity
And if I found another place
would they teach me their language out of grace
what insights and truths wait to be revealed
to find out to every god I kneel
How can you say enlightenment is a myth?
I see the stars shining even through myst.
Hey there starlight
I wish I could take flight
I don't know if it's yoga or insanity
I'll take the risk to be more free
Just meditate on the ether
I'll meet mother maya and greet her
When I travel to a most distant place
What changes will have come to my body and face
Maybe I will be pure light
if that's what it takes for space flight

chigong

2011-03-20T14:39:00.000-07:00

I watched a video about chigong. Some Chinese believe chigong can heal any disease. You would have to know which specific exercises heal what ailment though. There is no device that can measure chi but people can feel it. They did an experiment of putting a sensitive microphone to the palm of chigong masters who emit chi from their palms. They found chigong masters palm emit a sound that normal people's palm do not. I took a vow that may never be fulfilled to master all practices that I read in the commentary to the Infinite Life Sutra. I want to learn chigong. The yoga sutras talk about meditation on the life force as well. It says you will gain insights about reality if you meditate on it. I feel chi sometimes but have a long way to go.

Dream Journal

2011-02-27T14:30:00.000-08:00

I was lying on a beach. I left to go to the bathroom. I got a red IU/stop global warming T shirt. A man and woman wre lying down together.
One was looking and said looking for bisexual doesn't mean he's looking for a man.

With Josh Bailey. There's this woman talking and she shows her breasts. They're talking about a stock market bubble. They were on the other side of a soundproof door. Josh said something about trying to act gay. I was in a bed and Sadguru was there. I was blind. I got my vision back and was able to go to the bathroom. When I got back to the room, I saw videos and movies about Buddha. When I was getting my vision back he asked me what I saw. I saw two trees out a window. Playing basketball.

A swim meet. I'm locked out of my team's pool. a Dharma center or house. I'm fighting and trying to meet women.

Watching TV, put palm to screen cuz it lets me choose any scene. I change scenes. I hear the planets appeared differently in the past, so I think they are conscious and moving.

Jason was reading questions about a musician. I guessed Yanni.

Someone doing flips, rolling around. John and Joe jump across a stream with me. I almost fall back into the stream but pull myself up by grass.

I was in an airport looking for my plane. I went to the seventh floor. I asked someone... He was writing a sign that said Maryland. I had some food.... but I lost it. I was trying to catch a train. It left from Gate 8. I lost my Jacket. I went where lost jackets were but I didn't find it. There were similar jacketxs. I ordered food. I got a sandwich. We missed a flight.. I got to get food. Nick's eating a wrap. I want one. There was someone and she opened a present.

Pictures of Alison and Denis and Dan and kids and me. Dan's driving. He is breaking laws and being reckless. I'm staying at Dinny's and he tells me not to knock on any doors until 10 AM. We're looking at a gnostic bible. Denis gets a ride to IU. I'm driving around with Jamyang. He says not to keep this number or to write it or something.. There's a candy machine. He gives me some free candy. I could hear Ruben singing from Collins. I want to bike with Laura but we're stuck in traffic.

Playing a war game. When I fired a white missile I woke up in another place.

Tennis player Tsonga and Shawn wake me up. I was at a fancy table. Tennis players get mitochlorian count checked. Some people can survive on brocolli, tomato, and mushrooms. Under a tent. It's raining. I have a bandaid that devies gravity. There's a piece of paper with "Rot m" written on it. I'm supposed to eat. I get the idea that if you are joyful the hardest things seem easy.

Playing catch. Dogs in the diag. One has sharp claws and jumps on me. His hair was stiff. I speculated on a stock and it went down a dollar.

Playing basketball with a tiny ball. I can dunk. Getting fruity sparkling drinks at a grocery store. Someone made a video for a class. I do a metal detector on me and when I do my head... to lie on the ground.

I got bad grades. I was packing to go home for break.

Playing soccer. I was a goalie. a book with the five seals of... written upside down.. A girl jumps over a barbwire fence.

I went to see hookers. They said it was unlimited for $26. $3 at a time. We were going to see a video about kings. I left a worksheet in the library.

Swimming laps. Doing dolphin deep and having trouble. Finding the surface again because I am upside down. There's a running race around a track but there are instruments and ping pong balls. I'm asked to time it. A football game. It's tied. Colts have the ball, 6 minutes left. Kicker is injured. GR was on TV. I was looking for an article in a magazine about stars and planets. I lost it. We had a class and I told GR I saw him. Jamyang told me all I am is an ordinary being who is helping.

Lilly dog was biting me. People had arrows through them. A baseball game. I was going to buy movie tickets and friends were going to buy food. I decided ony to buy my own ticket. I had coupons or cash that only worked at one store in my pocket. I said I realized dreams and life are the same not because waking life is unreal but because dreams are real.

The Dalai Lama walked into a room and I was on a high seat and I went to curl to bow down and he told me "no, bodhichitta" and put my hands to prayer at my heart. Someone said in the debates they display a lot of compassion. There were small predators in a house. I was kinda afraid of being eaten but they were pets. One was like a mini cougar. There was a sheet and one of the questions was are you from the South but in another language. Maybe South was Socate. ONe of the animals started to eat an animal and I told it to stop and it did. I was telling people how I put mmy home town as New Orleans on facebook.

There were orange roller blades going down a campus. I tell someone to stop them to keep them together. The riders weren't there. Going across a stage with a puff the magic dragon mask on. I was doing laundry at a public place. I went through it once but I forgot to put the washer on normal wash. Theree was a magazine there with nude photos I looked through. There was a lot of other free stuff there including food. The magazine focused on the wives of Ramses, a pharoah. Some pages had one woman and some pages had a lot of women. I walked into an art studio. There were three naked women with paint on them. I asked if I could touch them. They said no. I asked if they would touch me. I took off my shirt and one started to give me a blowjob. There are these bikers with IU shirts on. We're staying at a motel. I see an ape in a suit. Iask if he's a monkey and he says he's an ape. I pee on a pillow on a chair while the door to the living room is open While we're riding in a car, I pull a black wire thing out of my penis. Sam Kerchival is doing this dance at like a school pep rally.

Waiting in line to use a gas station with Kristel.

Stuffing a bunch of pens in a case with an eraser. A little dog humping a little dog. Someone is building a space ship.

I had grades on assignments for science and math over 100%. Cities with Mayan pyramids. Climbing pyramids. A little snake runs through my fingers.

I was arrested, handcuffed, and put in jail. looking at a city skyline and trying to touch with my fingers. skyscrapers covering the whole way.

I was volunteering at a math class. A young guy said BFF. I talked about plugging in variables.

A huge wooden fort. Cutting wood.

I was rollerblading following someone with two big rocks in my hands. There was someone ahead of me with paint on his back. We started climbing rocks and I fell They told me if I broke my legs keep going. I was dancing. My big toe nail got picket at and the hard part is gone.

A martial arts center. I read a pamphlet about upening up the 58 to 60 something meridians. They tell me times to come. Someone with short arms is handing weights to someone else and then that person hands it back, on and on until one of them drops the weight.

I was driving a car. The station wagon, the breaks are out. Then lightning seems to come from the engine of the car and it was broken. A bus plowed through it. Daniel and other family was there. My dad had work. I wanted to set up a video game system. Playing soccer with Edward.

dream journal

2011-02-26T14:11:00.001-08:00

I hold fist to palm both ways for a while. I go to use the toilet but it's clogged and overflows. Dylan is sleeping in that room. He says to reach in and see what's blocking it. There's a bunch of clothes in the toilet. Driving with Gehlek Rinpoche. I asked him about 3 syllables I had read in his book. There's a grocery store competition of who has the best food in their section. We have food with pepper on it to put in the eyes of people who try to steal our food. There was a midget who could spin on his head. I got there on a little bike that was lost.

I was driving. Trying to do full flips. I had to put my feet halfway off the board. I had a bunch of cell phones. Andrew Kloosterman wanted me to call him but there needed to be a comma in his number. To get the comma he had to play a video game on the phone. Playing tennis with Andrew Kloosterman and then a clinic starts. Going through an underground tunnel. A jump in front of us. We fall down a giant hole. Shani and Matt Miller are with me.

I had a project due in school. David Collins helped me out and I had photos to turn in to the teacher. Then I had an Astronomy class I didn't know how to get to.

Bees stinging me. I try to run as a wolf. They're on my toes.

Playing an arcade game where you blow each other up. I had a big red lighter and I traded it in for a small red lighter.

Food was being sent ahead. Nachoss and cheese in the lawn of Rinpoche. I don't have pants. I go to a bar. There's a table with a blonde haired girl. She shows me her body. I end up at a gym. I'm looking for an entrance to the UC system. It's upstairs. There's a guy playing basketball. I have shorts and a baseball bat.

Driving a car with me Amanda and Denis in it. He went of f road. We got stuck in a frozen stream or gulley. There was a big party. At McDonald's, I have a veggie burger and a milkshake. When the register opens people tell all at once what they want. I was in a room that was closing reading porn. My mom called me and told me to get out because it was Sunday evening. The room closed when I got out. It was made of stone.

I was reading a book that said too much human expansion. Too much lots of stuff.

Eating berries. One falls on the floor and I got dog hair on it. The berries were in Popsicles but they're growing in the freezer. We want to plant them outside. I was in a video game racing against Tristan. He kept beating me. I caught up with him and cut him into pieces. (this is fucked up because Tristan was in a car accident about this time) I was with Vic and Jezzela. We went to Collins and they had a body paint fest. Superman? I was at collins and they had food. There was mainly meat and I wouldn't eat it. So I'd eat soda. I offered the meat I was given to a stranger. I said I'd rather be born a bird if I starved. I put my soda down to try and get more but when I tried to find it changed from cold root beer to lukewarm mellow yellow. There was a half naked girl on a boat. Three sailors groped her and me.

Arrow fights and sword fights. Sliding through the halls of a large university on the ground. A bookstore. Book called Kingdom of the Quballistic cross.

There were some tiles with last name St. John and Amanda too. Me and Jason are arguing. Naked people. Wanting to get a job in DC. With Amanda applying. We played tennis earlier. I traded in Mardi Gras beeds for cash. Playing soccer. Sam Guerin is goalie. Small goals against a fence.

I was playing a violent video game. Adam was there. I ran out of ammo and then axed people. The gun had a green button on its left side and red buttons. I was swimming with yinchin and Meg. It was polluted. We were trying to get a law changed. The side by the river was polluted too and there were wild dogs like wolves. Denis was there and he was eating food he found. We were protesting at Harvard. Stephen Shyu was there. I left a blue greenpeace shirt and some flyer but we got greenpeace shirts and red shirts that said Navy. Mike Strain was there. Someone was going to dive down a rocky hole. When he wen he hit the side. There were papers with numbers with nude drawings.

Mario. He has a magic wand in a 8 bit game.

A 108 form class. Star wars. The rebel alliance is being shot down by star destroyers. A huge chunk of ship crashes. I'm standing in a line of a captured fleet being held. But I have a gun with little to now power. Playing tennis in a warehouse. I win the first game but I'm losing the second. I try a slice serve that goes way wide. With allison. We are flying somewhere and she pulls strings for us to stay in Hawaii on the way. She uses a computer program I'm not familiar with.

I was trapping insects, letting them go, and then blowing on them. Porn videos at a library. Talking about dharma books. Sondra Ji showed me photos and told me I should take photos.

We went to see a movie and I payed in jelly beans. They offered me a pepper or another vegetable to take. The jelly beans had different values. There were five dollar jelly beans for example.

There was a green dragon, a flying lizard. I wanted to learn sanskrit and Rebecca Williams was kissing me on top of the head. Watching Adam KI going through India and passing lots of donkies. Caleigh in overalls. Cartoon pictures of Caleigh. Alex Dubov in body paint.

A mushroom guy/toadstool T shirt I wanted. A Criss Angel T shirt with Tara. With Alex at Greenpeace working for coco puffs. Ate fish at Greenpeace of five then we got out ice cream. I was trying to get to Bloomington South but I couldn't find it. I was rollerblading. I told a woman this is a dream I think. She said I did good on my TNA. (I don't know what TNA is)

I had a big blue textbook and questions in Spanish. Someone in front of me had a forests T shirt on. The teacher said something about the clinton administration.

Bill Clinton in a movie acting. A double date. Me playing guitar with heart strings. I was overbilled for some candy. I wanted money back but lost the receipt. Mom's driving. She tries to take a shortcut but it's a longcut. Dan Tresslar and Austin Kish talking. Trying to do pushups on a really soft surface that had air and it didn't work.

I wanted to go to tai chi class. My brakes stopped working in the van. It got taken away.

Jordan dancing on roller skates. swimming. need apples. there are nets. Playing 1st person shooter.

A bookstore. Smash Bros. A frozen coke. Staring at a huge blue thing in a factory. I try to make it circular with my mind because I know I'm dreaming.

stock market... wealth or woe

2011-02-14T14:28:00.001-08:00

If you invested in the stock market when it started in the 1700s and held it until now you would have multiplied your money. Because this was true for 300 years people think the stock market is the best investment. But what has the stock market done to the environment which is the source of all wealth? Corporations have cut down all the trees in Europe and the United States. Corporations have used metals, soil, and water so unsustainably and scientists are predicting a collapse soon. So the stock market deteriorated the wealth of the United States and put all the wealth in the hands of the top one percent. But really, what wealth is left? The cars and computers are unsustainable. The soil is eroding. The water is getting polluted. The stock market might have enriched a small portion of the population on paper, but it has harmed the environment so much which is the natural basis for wealth that it is not a good investment for humanity.

not believing the theories

2011-02-04T17:21:00.001-08:00

If electrons were solid particles they would crash into each other and go out of orbit. Since every atom's element is determined by the number of electrons it has in the theory, when this happens every time you touch something the electrons would collide, go out of orbit, and the elements of each thing would change. There would be electrons out of orbit flying everywhere. Therefore electrons are not particles. They came up with the theory of electrons orbiting a nucleus when they discovered that if you shoot a particle it sometimes went through a strip of gold and sometimes didn't. Another explanation for this is that something else is determining when it goes through and when it doesn't. They could sometimes follow a different path.

regretting what I've done

2011-01-29T14:19:00.000-08:00

I killed an entire ant hill once. My friends said they were going to hire an exterminator and kill them with chemicals, so I killed them with my feet to save them from being killed with chemicals. I killed other fire ants. I killed a bee with my tennis racket. Bees have died who stung me. I squatted many many mosquitoes. When I had a job at a movie theater the manager told me a way to stub tickets and take more money. I did it and stole some money. I mowed lawns that probably had animals living in it, ants and grasshoppers. I've eaten so many crawfish, shrimp, lobster, and chickens. I've eaten a lot of meat from lambs and cows. Then I found the dharma. Do I have to pay for this with countless lives as animals being eaten? I regret what I've done but can't undo it. I used to believe we had one life and dissapeared forever. With a selfish attitude of seeking my own pleasure I am responsible for so many animals dying, that I would have ended up in misery for a long time for this one life. I'm sorry all ye animals who I ate. I'm sorry all ye animals who I killed. I can't undo it. How many times will I be reborn and eaten? How many lives merit did I destroy with this one life?

finding one

2011-01-24T15:03:00.000-08:00

To love God is to love everyone. A gnostic text speaking from the perspective of God says, "I dwell in everyone." We have all existed forever. The forces that hold together the universe are another way of looking at god. If our ego controlled our bodies we'd be deformed and there would be a lot of problems just like it is difficult to draw a beautiful picture, yet nature provides countless beautiful pictures which is reality. When Shakyamuni predicted Shariputra he said that Shariputra would build a stupa for every buddha that he follows, a countless number of stupas. Do we really need to follow infinite buddhas to attain enlightenment? The yoga sutras have another path free of devotion to spiritual egos. One limb of that path is asana and I've read that there are over a hundred thousand asanas. To master all those asanas would be very difficult and that is just one limb. Perhaps if things only exist in relation to one another, to serve one teacher is as good as serving many because everyone is in everyone. We're all connected and if enlightenment is realizing your one with everything, seeing all buddhas in one teacher should be enough to serve all buddhas.

quballah, archangels

2011-01-16T14:45:00.001-08:00

I've been praying to the archangels to come under their protection and to see them. I didn't see any archangels but some mormon missionaries crossed my path. I talked with them about whether they thought the New Testament was wrong and they didn't think that. They thought all the churches should be united under God's church. I wasn't too sure about that. But that same day I went home and prayed to the archangels again and I felt the holy spirit in the base of my spine. I had never felt the holy spirit before. If it wasn't THE holy spirit it was A holy spirit. It was at the base of my spine and it was a peaceful spirit, quite blissful. I had a dream last night where I saw a book called The Kingdom of the Quballistic Cross. I'm not sure what it was about, but I learned to pray to the archangels from this book on Quballah called The Magic of Quballah. It started out by bowing down to the archangles who each had a direction and praying to come under their protection. I thought maybe each direction could be like a part of a cross and that could be the kingdom of the Quballistic cross. I don't see how it could be a kingdom yet, but it is a good thought.

Nostradamus

2011-01-13T10:16:00.000-08:00

Here are amazing prophecies by Nostradamus who lived in the 1500's. I got the quotes from the book "Nostradamus, The Complete Prophecies," by John Hogue.

"Beasts ferocious with hunger will cross the rivers,
The greater part of the battlefield will be against Hitler.
Into a cage of iron will the great one be drawn,
When the child of Germany observes nothing."

Could Nostradamus have forseen Hitler and World War II hundreds of years before they happened?

"Liberty will not be regained,
It will be occupied by a black, proud, villainous and unjust man:
When the matter of the Pontiff is opened,
The republic of Venice [Fascist Italy}
will be vexed by Hitler"

This to me is evidence that clairvoyance exists. It is sorrowful that there was so much suffering during world war II. If we can forsee something, shouldn't we be able to stop it? If Hitler was responsible for millions of people dying, wouldn't it have been just for God to have struck him down before he was able to kill so many? If this was forseeable and preventable, blame is on all seers and gods or enlightened beings because they could have stopped it.

dream journal

2011-01-02T14:10:00.001-08:00

I was in a cave. Someone with Greenpeace said I had to eat some ice crystals. I couldn't get to them. When I tried I fell into a stream of cold water that carried me away. There was a greenpeace pamphlet with meditation as part of it. It was white and blue. I had carried a Mario video game and system. I met Josh from Collins and we were going to play.

beautiful nude women. Mowed a lawn saying I have the blessings of immortality. Algebra homework. I'm looking for a worksheet but can't find it in time. There are tents. Red ones and Black ones. I'm trying to find Jess. I find baseballs. Throw them down the hill. We're playing Monopoly. Zach puts houses on a yellow space but he doesn't own all the yellows. I get mad he's breaking the rules. Playing frisbee. Dan beats me to the disk. A bunjy jump competition where people are holding on. I keep saying its crazy.

A video game fight. One person did a slide tackle and the other person lost the slide tackle didn't stop until the guy had been hit many times and died. I was planning to write to congress about clean water and climate change. There was a pep rally and I was climbing up meditation cushions. There was a copy of the tao of jeet kune do I thought was mine.

There were all sorts of used and still smoking pot pipes in the basement. I asked Jason and he said it wasn't just me. I went to pee but it overflowed the toilet. I was at a junior college named SJC. I wen to see the tennis coach. He had a dog who would bite me. I asked if I could play for him. He asked what spot I played in high school. He asked if my brother exposed himself naked in high school.

Traveling down a river. I'm at a bookstore that has a book high up that says Burying Jesus' last tablet, Tibetan Buddhist teachings. I'm at a hospital where they teach pain and surgery will give you joy. Nobody's signed up for it. Another book was about trees.

There were wrestlers trying to throw each other out of a ring. It was a college. This big guy who looked like a son on the show Home improvement was there. Then these other martial arts. I had a bird on my fingers and he wasn't afraid of me. It was a cage bird, very small. Amanda Butterfield sent me a card. She said she could show me Harvard. The card had my face moving.

I kept going over a math problem but every time I did it would change. There was a bioneers conference. They were taking nude photos of us, me, Zach Smith, and Ruben. I had folders and stuff mixed up with someone else. Tom Hanks was Kevin Collins' neighbor. He stopped by to say hi but didn't look like him. Nick Wickstrom was there. He said when the illusions start fallling, something or other. I said are we going to do some serious training today and did a chigong move. Then I was fighting this young kid and kicking him in the groin and face as we were fighting. Something about a video game where we were fighting other countries.

Nate became a journalist. I became Nate and Natasha's baby. There were flesh eating dogs that would try and eat us.

There was a green light in the woods. We were running from someone. Doing Tai Chi with Britten. Walking up stairs with her. Shooting something with a rubber band like a slingshot. An Anime character with a sword who dodges bullets and protects another character with a sword.

Doing yoga. Esther wants a rid home with me. We end up on a bus. Walking and running down the street. Putting out music for Ujjen on a table from a box to be sold.

Playing soccer, but there's a robot involved. A girl who's not very pretty in college lifting weights. I climb high on 1 and get thrown on my face. Someone's ..... for a movie with pictures of naked girls on it. Someone in a fresh commercial. His owl ran away. There were symbols on buildings. A train stopped and Tom got on. I was supposed to follow.

The Amazon rainforest was sinking below sea level. We were afraid of being fish or birds. I was falling down from the sky. I was swimming to avoid houses the size of castles. I had been blown away from deep water. A fish lands in an old man's house and he exclaims a fish, a fucking fish. I let go of a balloon and they flew into the air. Bill Gates had a UFO. A great mythical battle.

I was talking to Fabian on the phone. I asked him if he was going to an Ivy League school and then told him about everyone I knew who was going to an Ivy League school. But he wasn't on the line anymore. I was in a hospital with a foldout table. I looked in a mirror and I had veins sticking out of my face.

Baseball. Seeing a video of me playing gameboy with others in the stands. Watching football from the stands. Garbage everywhere. People drinking alcohol.

Running with Mark, Nate, and others. Jumping over rocks and doing flips. Fighting a Jewish kid and Nick Wick shows me moves. Someone asked for more money than I have. Sitting outside a house with a red van.

Playing catch with a frisbee. Using the whole wrist. With 2 girls. I run into Sean. I have a box of books I don't want to show him. I look in my backpack and there's a move there I don't remember checking out. I buy gummy worms. I'm on the phone talking to a Megan Meyers to write down upcoming events on a post it note.

Doing physics, applying for a scholarship. A drum that looks like a tub of yogurt. Playing a football video game.

Someone asking midget twin girls to dinner. They say they don't know him. But they're saying you're my friend's uncle's doctor's... Sheela Rajdev. Dropping from a high... There's dynamite there. Someone says it's like running fast. Drills with lots of bits balls falling through. Guy with huge eyebrows.

Working at a restaurant. Doing jump kicks and punches. In a classroom auditorium. They're testing. Say geometry is calculus. A starburst wrapper inside a starburst wrapper. I'm staying at someone's house and they got health food to eat. A huge online list of environmental concers to check. Acupuncture needles mixed with spices. Playing golf, having trouble with the grip.

Sending a letter to Heather that has mango smoothie written on it.

Hoola hooping with a piece of wood. Ninja Turtles football. Writing in my dream journal in purple ink. It's wet. Dad says something mean about Seamus. At a tennis center. Carrying balls on my racket. I don't make it to a court because I can't see.

Baseball player. Football player. Playing bubble bobble with Amanda. Only they have charged shots like mega man. I ordered 3 cds and got a free shirt. Trying to visualize Jamyang. Eating popcorn and talking to my mom about marks.

I was swinging in a gym across the whole thing. I was climbing before that and wanted to find a way to fall down. Golfing, and then I went to walk through campus barefoot. I see Aaron Walker and Josh Davis at the monastery. They cooked a lot of food they call amrita. Fighting Dylan and Daniel. I get a taste. Some of it has meat. Back in Collins class with Yinchin.

sick of fear

2010-12-27T14:19:00.000-08:00

We live in a world of fear mongering. One popular religion, Buddhism, claims you can lose eons of merits and go to hell for eons for moments of anger. At least the Tibetan Buddhists claim this and the Dalai Lama won't respond to emails to say he disagrees with this idea. The bible has someone going to hell forever in the book of revelations. In the old Testament, a prophet kills all the other kings who worship other gods. In the gnostic bible there is a hell where you can be tortured for eons for as little as disparaging the holy spirit. Why don't we live in a world that embraces heaven? Why don't we live in a world where war isn't right and threatening people with hell is considered evil? We need to stand up and care for each other and not let fear overtake us. The churches and religions that spread fear are just as bad as Orwellian nightmares. May everyone find peace and bliss.

Cool experiences and dreams

2010-12-06T14:18:00.000-08:00

I started bowing down To Criss Angel because he's the only person I know of who will display siddhis. One night I had a dream where I was in a school and there were three magic wands on my desk. I think they were a present. I had another dream recently where Emily Oppenlander was drinking water from a cooler and the water dripped out of her mouth into mine. I am writing out the lotus sutra because I read if you write it out you'll be reborn in Tushita. When I was writing out the part where Shariputra was predicted to enlightenment and tried to rejoice about it, I felt this red energy in my right foot. It was between painful and blissful; it was extremely intense. I've been singing and playing ukulele. I think I'm getting a little better. There was this old experience where Steve, tai chi Steve who may be completely enlightened and a Lord Buddha was teaching me a chigong form and told me to look through my third eye and I saw yellow and red and felt this surge of energy go up from the base of my spine. Ooh, another one, I was meditating on the words perfection of patience and perfection of generosity and all my obstacles seemed silly and I felt this white bliss at my ajna chakra.

remembering divine presences

2010-11-30T11:05:00.000-08:00

I think I've met with divine beings. There is Nick Wickstrom who taught me a little chigong. Once when we went to the YMCA to practice I felt this bliss in my wrists. I was holding horse stance and the pain in my legs turned into bliss.
There was this dancer Rhonda who I met at the yellow barn and she was doing these absurdly amazing moves that I couldn't really match and I held her ankle when I saw her again at Swing Ann Arbor and I felt this blissful fire surround my whole body. I felt the same blissful feeling when I'd pray at the St. Clare of Assisi temple. There is Sondra Ji. Ji for Jina perhaps. I bowed to her once and then felt all seven of my chakras at once. I did sahaja at sunmoon yoga during teacher training and felt this bliss at my mooladhara chakra. There's Jamyang in Bloomington. Once he asked me to get him water, and I went to get a water in the next room and he was in that room. He was either in two places at once or he teleported. Once I asked him what he could do to disarm all the weapons and He told me to meditate on love and the next week when I would meditate on love, I felt indescribable blissful love at my heart and surrounding my whole body. I read a sutra on their website about Maitreya flying here and prostrating to the lotus feet of the teacher, and I prostrated at his feet and I felt an indescribable bliss throughout my whole body and being that was green. He introduced me to the books of Geshe Kelsang Gyatso.

I wish everyone could meet them and I wish them eternal bliss.

dream journal trsnscribed continued

2010-11-16T12:00:00.001-08:00

teaching someone how to play video games. There's two regular NES systems. I tell him we should play rogue squadron. Training someone on Mario about extra lives. High school gym class. Two asian teachers who are sisters. A swimming pool. The teacher is Edward. Tells us to hold a pushup and then act like a frog. Some sort of business lunch. A girl doing a ballet pose revealing her privates. Playing chess. Going to fast food restaurants. Playing ping pong. Lot's of nets. Playing chess with GR. Swimming. Sondra. A yoda magic card with power in hundreds. Flying and fighting. Shani wanted me to tatoo her letters on her side. Writing a paper about how Thich Nhat hanh should come to school. The paper keeps changing. Hanging out with some girls. One has a broken leg in the snow by a ski lift. Bree's night club. Chicago. Chelsea. There were all these half naked girls. Heather was there. Trying to date one. Writing out Hiroshime. I was staying at a hotel. GR was possibly travelling with me. Launching model airplanes over water. A fat guy on a unicycle doing stuff. A three pronged nintendo controller that gave upgrades by twisting. I'm upset because??? Playing soccer, Joe's surgery team and a kids team. Dating a girl in a swimming pool. Going on ballons and there are magic mushrooms. I saw GR and Steve in a house with stained glass windows. Playing basketball, a competition. People get powers from stars. I was at school. Alec and I chanted teenage mutant ninja turtles in the hallway from a sheet of paper in the hallway between classes. I was about to take a test and I couldn't find a sharp pencil. I would try to sharpen one but it would break. I found an old mechanical pencil with a blue strap. When I was leaving class I gave Rachel Day a high five. Ralph was there. I had a memory of a past dream making out with somebody. At a concert. They throw coffee to the crowd. Fingers being twisted by a wrench. Asks why didn't you tell me the coins were made of gold. Biking and running barefoot. Asks do you know economics? Says we're in the movie freakonomics. Making prostrations on rocks to Buddha statue. Many people in rows doing this. A finished Spanish test with multiple grades in blue ink. Some around 80% some higher like 95%. Playing video games at a house that belongs to Heather. I have video game systems there at a mall with Josh and other skinny karate people. At a restaurant bar with Nate. Natasha comes, we're thinking about seeeing a movie. A little girl has a lighter held to her wrist as she and her mom tried to escape a house. A fire starts and a girl puts out a fire with her mind. I know someone died in Bloomington. I was looking for an old link to to tell the police because I thought my friends did it, killed him. Buying candy. It's a lot of candy. In a movie theatre, someone makes others scoot over, a guy asks if he has $13 in drugs. A Nickelodean title comes on. A guy in jail, he's a Native American Shaman fighting for freedom.
I had a lot of tennis rackets in a bag. Looking for the right one. I also had a lot of pencils. I wanted a mechanical pencil and a tourna grip racket. Britten gave me earing shaped rackets (or maybe racket shaped earings). I put them in Thomas Brassel's bag. I was supposed to serve. I remember saying, thank god for tourna grip and dissertations. Squirt gun fights. All sorts of levers on the guns to control power. People in class writing about eclipses. Stephen mills gets picked up by my feet. We're going down hill talking about sustainability. Waiting in line for a test. Sari appears before me, for a second I see her face. Shawn takes my pencil. It's colorful and shiny. Driving through the rainforest. We have machine guns in the car. We reach a checkpoint and someone speaking
French tells us to let them search. They find a pitcher's mound. I'm climbing up this huge net and someone is beating me coming from the other side. Running to lots of bathrooms in this giant public building looking for something. There was a soccer team. I didn't make the all star team which had Nick, Isaac, and Nate. There was this huge castle where they met. I was deported to Mexico. I shot down this watery shoot after going through a water circle. Someone asked if I was a murderer or just a murder case. Two girls were in a car. One stopped looking ahead, looked to the girl in the backseat. The girl in the backseat indicated to look ahead, but the driver said a kiss never ends because she wanted to kiss her. Varun playing flute. He's really good. I have a flute too and try. When he let's me try his flute it's smaller and simpler than the one I had. I was getting ready for a highschool class. I had pants with little holes in them that you could see through and a ruckrash around my wrist. I had wooden beads around my neck. I wanted to get laid. There were three gold coins on the ground. I think they were my mom's 90+ dollar gold coins. I had a class where we made food. We cut up little vegetables and put them in a deep tray. Some people had meat. People playing sports in a little room. A hall pops out of the room. I try to get it but someone else does. I was going to get a bath but someone beat me to the tub by 70 seconds. Allison Sparrow painting spirals in a room with blue paint twirling the brush above her head. Ben Denton playing a musical instrument and someone who looks like him playing a row up. Someone playing guitar passionately and a woman next to him is making these hand gestures. We're growing food inside collectively. Emily Oppenlander spreads cheese across the grass. Someone gets mad at her because he thinks it won't work but she persists. I have a hook through my hand. I try hard to take it out. There's a squirrel with a hook through it; it must be dead because it's skinned and you can see red on the underside of it. Reading environmental books for Greenpeace. Being an activist. I have a name tag, pencils, erasers that aren't mine. When I leave I return them and have nothing left. In a hallway, there' sthis big jump that goes down I keep making.

dream journal transcribed

2010-11-12T17:24:00.000-08:00

working at a grocery store. A woman wants apples and leaves her wallet, gives it back. I don't know how to do the job. Natasha takes a picture of me and nate. Playing golf. I was crawling to cross a street. B4, mad at Kuten Lama. Talking with Zach Catozzi and David Sonneborn. Playing tennis with Ben Frohman. Dancing at a club. Commitment of forever. Playing tennis. I'm injured. Picked for 1 doubles. Magic cards. A jet airplane fighter. Speakers disparaging the principal. Me talking with someone else, and then I go back inside myself. I was seeing myself from outside. Playing baseball.. Standing in line between Katie Overmeyer and Chuck McBuck. I say baseball used to be nothing in terms of exercise. Katie is very beautiful and she skips me in line. Our hips are touching. I had gum in my mouth and I couldn't get it out. Programmers. Buses. A naked guy swimming in a pool. I was trying to park a car at a house in the woods. When I got in the spot, I couldn't open the doors. When I backed up, I kept falling backwards and couldn't move forwards. A monkey on someone's head, maybe moe's. It was an old monkey. Popcorn falling out of a bag. More than fits in it. Football. There's a fence in the way. Beautiful women around this huge table smiling at me as I walk around. I'm following one and then see all the others smiling and forget. There are wine glasses all around. I start accelerating up like through a star. Something about my savings being good, one girl has something written on the outside of her hand. I was in an auditorium or a theater. Everyone started shouting out their favorite career, I shouted out actor, someone said Moses, I said prophet, toymaker, toytester. Someone came up behind me and it looked like Charles Haitjema. Then it was Sam Guiren. He said he scanned me with his creative energyi and when that happens tiny emanations usually pop out into a person, but it didn't work. I had twigs, little sticks stuck in my mouth and gums, I was pulling out. Video game characters playing a video game from outside. Playinng pool, Zach Catozzi. Aleister Crowley Quiz. Hamster. Cooked, cleaned up a kitchen. a solar city. Flying jet airplanes on ground, in sky, in videogames, in waking life. At a bookstore reading books on spirituality, running over all the walls. colorful books Quadratic formula worksheet. Beautiful women. A game where we're supposed to kill each other like a video game. Me and elgar are fighting. Feeding elephants water. Playing on balloons. Playing tennis. Amber shows her breasts. A girl with a shiny face. At church singing beautiful women. At wendy's, lose my parents, talk about a scholarship. I'm with GR, we're writing with pencils on our teeth. In an airplane next to yoda. A pretty girl in front of me. Allison Sparrow next to me. She slaps me on the butt. I slap her back. I'm a blonde haired woman. I can't do a shoulderstand. Biking with Seamus. A waiter job. I have to choose a partner but everyone says me first. Matt Miller. I'm trying to be a janitor but I can't get the job because I don't know how. I have two shirts on. I want another one on. Matt Schick is there. I jump at himm with a shirt above my head and ask him to guess who I am. Sondra teaching calculus. On a sled being pulled down. Invited to a meditation retreat. I tell Heather to come. A mouse. Playing tennis on an uneven table. smoking pot. Charles Haitjema is there. A calculator pad made of tiny little dots of light. Debby Basu is there. I go from kneeling to squatting. Lara invited me to India.. Reading encyclopedias and science books, especially on consciousness. Scifi fighting. Reading at a microphone. Playing pingpong with Justin Conn Powers. Waiting to meet a roommate to play soccer. Ujjen's wife was playing pingpong. Playing chess with Luke Skywalker pieces. Playing tennis with giant fat people. They start dancing and doing a thing where they sing. One line is I'm talking because I'm listening.

obstacles, self

2010-11-07T14:07:00.001-08:00

I've done a lot of crazy things since I found out about Buddhism. The more obstacles I seem to face, the more intense my Buddhist practice becomes. I was confronted with the Tibetan Buddhist idea of aeons in hell, and then with the recurring idea of aeons in hell from sutras such as the perfection of wisdom in 8,000 lines and the lotus sutra. I started to think about beginningless time and my confession/repentance practice developed into confessing aeons and aeons of sins. I heard it takes 3 incalculable aeons to become enlightened, and I confessed for innumerable countless aeons of sins. I've felt incredible things from my practice and I'm not going to give it up as long as I maintain contact with my teachers. I could write over a hundred experiences of feeling bliss at my chakras. I feel between my third eye a presence which may be me or may not be me, but it is peacefully meditating there all the time. It seemed to start when I did a practice from Geshe Wangyal's door of liberation where you visualize guru tsongkapa dissolving into you between your eyebrows. I tried it and I've felt this meditating presence there ever since.

The Buddhist idea that separates Buddhists from Yogis and Hindus is the concept of anatman. I'm still not sure about this idea, and sometimes get paranoid about it. I read a book called the Shiva sutras and it explained that atman means the continuation of rebirths. It means that we keep taking on rebirths and the word refers to that line of rebirths. Buddhists believe in reincarnation, so wouldn't there be atman with that definition? They don't seem to be denying atman at all, but rather that the self exists inherently. My understanding of this focuses on the skandhas. Our form is not our self because it changes from life to life. Our feeling is not our self because we feel in relation to things that are not ourself. Our mental formations are not our self because they are formations of things outside ourself for example of trees or birds. Our consciousness is not ourself because we are conscious of things outside ourself, like computers or the sky. Another way of looking at it is to focus on body and mind. Our body is not ourself because it is an accumulation of food which is not ourself. Our mind though may be our self because the dalai lama says it is the subtle mind which continues from life to life. Maybe that is what continues so our mind could possibly be ourself. It seems like such a minor detail, is there or isn't there a self, that I'd like to see an integral view of Eastern religion. I'd like to see yogis and Buddhists practicing together! I will have to start the trend.

Wishing any sparse readers good dreams!

I don't want

2010-10-25T21:59:00.000-07:00

I don't want my dharma practice to be offering water bowls to pictures of Buddha. I want to clean the water of the world for all beings. I want to protect the water of the world for everyone. I don't want to get rich to eat my parents who are lobsters, shrimp, cows, and chickens. I want to embrace poverty, let the sun nourish me, and know that I am one with all of nature. I don't want to be a high lama who receives offerings of wealth. I want to work the fields of organic farms or gather what nature gives like the birds. I don't want to sit and watch as war destroys the world. I want to protest, petition, write, meditate, pray and not give up until I'm blown away. I don't want to forget my teachers who showed me peace and love. I want to remember.

equlibrium

2010-10-07T13:55:00.000-07:00

If there were a permanent bliss, nirvana, that could be achieved and there is beginingless time, if we haven't achieved it yet, we probably never will because we've had infinite time to. The idea that we could achieve it in one lifetime or in any finite amount of time seems preposterous. I think this is an equilibrium. All of existence is an equilibium. Beginingless time makes sense, but maybe not a continuity of consciousness. I don't know if consciousness arises from the brain or if it is more elemental. I think though that sometimes we are happy, sometimes sad, but overall this is as perfect as things can get, because the compassionate conscious forces in the universe have had infinite time to shape it. We are not seperate from those forces.

economics meets environment

2010-09-29T20:32:00.000-07:00

In economics the demand curve starts out with a high price, and it goes down with quantity. The reason is because we get more benefit from the first drink of water than from the 100th. We only need so much water. Too much and it might be negative. For example, people would have paid money to have the water from Hurricane Katrina not come. The same insight reveals how we aren't increasing the wellbeing of society by having more billionares at the expense of more debtors. The billionaires can only buy so much welfare for themselves. I read in a sociology critique of economics that wellbeing stops to go up with more money after people have 8,000 dollars a year or so. For 8 billion dollars I read that everyone in the world could have fresh water. That would benefit people much more than Bill Gates having 8 billion more dollars. Our obsession with GDP is propaganda therefore. It would increase GDP tremendously to build expensive nuclear weapons and B2 bombers, destroy cities, clean up the waste very expensively, and rebuild the cities. But it wouldn't increase welfare at all. If we were able to get everyone in the world clean water, it wouldn't add to GDP, but it would help welfare tremendously. Economists don't know ecology. Their theories aren't keeping track of habitat loss and pollution. There are potential theories in economics that could help with these things such as the theory of externalities. It says that economic transactions effect more than the buyer and the seller and the price of the good should be influenced by the third part effects. For example consuming coal and oil and meat is causing global warming. If we taxed the emissions equal to the amount of damage that these transactions caused in global warming, then global warming would stop. This is an economic theory. But freemarkets won't bring the best solution. If you don't tax it and you want to stop global warming, you need more of a planned economy like the socialists or communists would build. I believe you can have a socialist democracy. I don't believe we should abandon democracy.

song

2010-09-18T16:51:00.000-07:00

the hindus said I'd be reborn
and I said OK
but I don't know
I don't know that I'll live another day

Brahma Vishnu Shiva
what do you have to say
because I don't know
I don't know that I'll ever see your face

I came up with that as a song. It sounds pretty good when I sing it. I think it's catchy.

I also came up with the line
I'm sadder than Saturn
and I'm sadder than Neptune, but it doesn't necessarily fit with the other lines.

more dream segments

2010-09-14T13:07:00.001-07:00

Playing as Mario inside a video game. Running, and Bowser does blasts I jump over. I get a diamond star and then a gold one. Standing in line worrying about how short I am. Trying to light a lighter. I see a chart of Buddhist lineages hand drawn in my own handwriting, the lighter won't light. Kerchanin dancing. Frozen ice, trying to get home, but too much ice. Driving a car with two people in it. It ends up underwater. We keep going into a junkyard with underwater oars that are fakes, we can't get out. Popcorn falling out of a bag. More than fits in it. Football. There's a fence in the way. Beautiful woman around this huge table smiling at me as I walk around. I'm following one and then see all the others smiling and forget. There are wine glasses all around. I start accelerating up like through a star. Something about my savings being good, one girl has something writtten on the outside of her hand.
I was in an auditorium or theatre. Everyone started shouting out their favorite career. I shouted out actor, someone shouted Moses, I said Prophet, toymaker, toytester. Someone came up behind me and it looked like Charles Haitjema, then it was Sam Guerin. He said he scanned me with his creative energy and when that happens emanations usually pop out of a person but it didn't work.

I had things, little sticks stuck in my mouth and gums I was pulling out. Video game characters playing a video game from outside. Playing pool Zac Catozzi. Aleister Crowley quiz. Hamster. cooked. cleaned up a kitchen. a solar city.
flying jet airplanes on ground, in sky, in video games, in life.
reading books on spirituality, running over all the walls. colorful books. worksheet. quadratic formula. beautiful women.

consciousness can't be particles

2010-09-09T15:54:00.000-07:00

The body is made of particles. The atoms that make us up are made of protons neutrons and elelctrons. Consciousness cannot be matter. If consciousness were matter we'd be experientially aware that our particles are moving near or at the speed of light. We can't perceive this, so how can consciousness be from the particles?

california dreams

2010-09-01T21:16:00.000-07:00

I'm in California. I'm doing some meditation and tai chi on my own. I got a catolog of the community college, and I want to take physics and Calculus. I took calculus in high school, but I plan to retake it and then go on to more calculus. I'm staying at my Aunt Moe's house. Her partner John, said he'd teach me art. I've been recording my dreams. I'll post some here:
playing soccer Tim Fisher
Fire benders, someone made of fire at a party. Jedi. Video games.
fingers up a woman's pussy.
a mermaid.
I'm in an apartment and I hear Ryder coming
I'm at a store and want a sandwich but they all have meat. I buy a medicine and spill it all over the floor.
B4, India guy is teaching me
I was at a school packing up for year end
thinking about how keeping folders empty helps
two girls in class tell me I should go abroad
I say I want to learn shamanism from South America and Buddhism from Tibet or India.
Standing on shoulders, lot's of people stacked on each other in a pool. a net falls down.
a pamphlet about einstein's relativity
running, a girl, some sort of giant game
a basketball player
A popup where a baseball player makes it to first base then throws the ball and does this twice to make it home. A tennis player, skinny guy, tells me he's the best in the country. I ask him to teach me.
waiting for a tidal wave at the Bloomington house with a large party of people. We're on the second floor and the water makes it up that high.
working at a grocery store, A woman wants apples and leaves her wallet, I give it back. I don't know how to do the job. Natasha takes a picture of me and Nate.
Playing golf
I was crawling to cross a street
b4, mad at Kuten Lama, talking with Zac Catozzi and David Sonneborn.

a table with food on it, me and dad, all the food slides off.
I was eating a meal with a girl, brown hair, not too skinny. Two people had sex at a nearby table. I was editing my homework and sharpening my pencil on someone's head. I asked if Bracey Wright made it to the NBA. Paying someone to let me in the door from cold.
Nuclear submarines at US door. 5,000 dollars in weapons like fireworks, a red missile launch. I tell 'em not to fire because of the subs, what we have is more like fireworks. Riding the red dragon, a bouncing barn, a kid wants off it.
Nick Wickstrom, he punches my fists and kicks my feet as I kick his and punch his. Dr. Rakic at a store. A yahweh card. I have no money. excited about the lotus sutra. throwing beads away. I bow down to ujjenla.
at a video store looking for a movie. we decide on patience, a movie about waiting for the proper time to have sex. I see Anna working on a puzzle. The whole floor is covered in puzzle pieces. The girl I was on a date with looked like Emily (I don't remember which Emily). She said I worked. Driving with Allison and Joe. Crows, satanic Christians of Ann.

me and my body

2010-08-03T20:11:00.000-07:00

I define myself by what I see,
so without my eyes I wouldn't be me
I define myself by what I feel,
so I'd lose myself if my skin did peel

finding my own views

2010-07-24T11:09:00.000-07:00

I was following Buddhism for a long time. The Buddhists have a vow not to harm any living being which made me believe in them. I suppose we know plants are alive now, so that isn't possible, since we have to eat plants. In the trainings on bodhimind, the mind aspiring to enlightenment, you develop equanimity in which you have equal love for everyone. If you had kids, they would die first of all. But the Buddhist practices they taught me don't have equanimity. You offer the entire universe to the buddhas. What about sentient beings? Why not let them keep the universe? They taught me, the lotus sutra has a section, the 8,000 verse perfection of wisdom sutra which the Dalai Lama follows has a section, shantideva has a section, that by simply getting angry at the buddha or rejecting the teaching of the sutra, you'll be reborn in hell for aeons or forever. If buddha loved us he would forgive us, and such tyranny deserves anger. I did the offering practices. I regret it and feel lucky that I made it out of Buddhism alive. I felt some blissful feelings. The Buddhists want to attain omniscience as quickly as possible. I think it is absurd. They think all of life is suffering. This too is absurd. The Dalai Lama accepts and supports Jesus Christ though which I find odd.

My view: life is fine. If we're reborn we don't remember much. I think Christians are abusive to animals, especially factory farms and overfishing. These probably aren't people true to the message of God though. Buddhists are good in conduct, but abusive in words and threats. Life can be joyful, and if we'll always exist, we will probably never attain omniscience. I don't know if pure lands exist or enlightenment. I have felt chakras sometimes, but can't say the light and bliss comes from me, it could come from an outside God I suppose. I like how Buddhists have commitments rather than commandments. I don't think our body will be resurrected, I find it absurd.

My path for now is to keep learning yoga and tai chi and reading as much as I can about science. My best guess is when I die my body will be Earth and my mind will travel somewhere else, depending less on my past karma, and more on my determination to behave ethically in the future. Learning is joyful. Surprises are joyful too. I think omniscience can only be of the past or present but the future depends too much on the actions of so many unpredictable people.

coming to peace with empty space

2010-07-19T18:04:00.001-07:00

We assume we're smarter than ants or fish because we're bigger, our brains are bigger. Then the mightiest intelligences in the cosmos must be the stars. Space is empty in a sense, but it is home to cascading interplay of light from stars. From any given point in space you'll see countless stars, and moving through space, you'll see them at different leves of brightness. If the language of stars is light, all possible conversations are the different points in space in the universe.

thoughts

2010-07-09T09:41:00.001-07:00

Just because a government has power, it doesn't mean the gorvernment is right. Power could be the result of coercion as much as some divine appointment. The bully isn't always good and usually isn't. So Why do we assume governments are good? Why do we bend to their rules? Why do we obsess over money when governments print it?

Monsters are in our psyches because we've evolved from creatures who have had predators for as long as they've lived. Sharks are monsters to a fish. Lions are monsters to an antelope. Humans have outgrown their monsters.

In Buddhism, one is supposed to develop equanimity. In order to have perfect equanimity one would have to be all pervasive. The sun might shine equally in all directions, but how much light you get depends on how close you are to the sun. If Buddha has equanimity and remains embodied, his love would have to travel faster than the speed of light, in fact it would have to travel infinitely fast.

wackiness

2010-06-26T06:15:00.000-07:00

I had a dream where I had my teeth pulled out and then I grew new teeth, extra teeth. Buddha has 40 teeth, I only have 32. I had a cloth in my stomach like magicians cloth and I tried to pull it out. I couldn't pull it all out and then I cut it. I was surprisingly joyful throughout these weird experiences.

a waking life miracle that happened. I prayed to Jamyang in Ann Arbor to take a bible from my room if he could and if he cared about me. He did it. I saw him at Jewel Heart and he had the bible. I thought he would need to know the bible if he wanted to help the West better.

good experiences at church

2010-06-24T07:02:00.001-07:00

I had a dream a while back where I was dissolving into stainglass windows at church of the saints.
I went to church with my parents and bowed to all the saints windows but certainly didn't enter into them. I took one of samantabhadra's vows, to make offerings extensively, and I felt this red light all around me. The dalai lama told me to stay within my own tradition and I was born Catholic. Two days before in church I felt this incredible energy at my third eye, so peaceful and prayed for the rainforests.

death's call

2010-06-19T12:21:00.001-07:00

death, I hear you calling me out of the blue
you've had your fill of life, and now you're through
you'd like the deep sleep that just doesn't end
into the dark abyss do you send
like your relatives, family and friends
it's the place we go that has no end
you were just a bubble in the ocean, to the ocean you return
death I hear you calling me, like you call the shrubs and ferns
my soul is lost, my dreams are gone
death I hear you calling me, the kind of magnetism I can't escape for long

I like this poem, but don't believe death is endless.

poems I wrote today

2010-06-06T14:51:00.000-07:00

I read in the bible you can't serve god and money
they passed the collection tray around
If you give it up, you'll pass through the needle's eye I thought
poor priest though got too fat, I wonder if he can go around

I see myself in a meatlocker
reborn an enslaved cow
heaven with ecstacy passed by me
and now in misery I drown

bedtime oddity

2010-06-02T02:07:00.000-07:00

I had a dream where Arnold Schwarzenegger came up to me in a mall and started a conversation.

feet

2010-05-31T08:05:00.000-07:00

I read in a text by guru rinpoche, padmasambhava that hell is in our feet. sometimes feet hurt, but I had a few experiences that contradict this. when I bowed to Jamyangla's feet I felt an intense green bliss. Once, I wrote to Nick Arranof and said I was in hell right now, and then did a quick meditation on dependent origination and felt an intense bliss at my feet. In the hospital someone massaged my feet and I felt an intense bliss there. I think feet are just feet.

recounting

2010-05-28T16:59:00.001-07:00

I was reading the lotus sutra and there was a chapter on the daughter of the powerful king of nagas that isn't in the sutra. I was reading the yoga sutras of Patanjali and there was a section about good and evil that wasn't in it the next time. I think things really are like a dream. I want to find the chapter on the daughter of the powerful king of nagas again because it said the benefit of the sutra was that one would be free from the lower realms. I guess miracles are there in a sense but they don't stay with you. They all have a message.

thinking over things

2010-05-17T00:10:00.000-07:00

I felt this incredible bliss at my throat chakra during yoga nidra. Sometimes around Steve, the tai chi teacher, I feel blissful at my crown. I felt a red light at my throat chakra once at tai chi class. I love the spirit of tai chi class. It feels like everything will be OK. When I meditate on the New Meditation Handbook wishing love, etc. I feel so much love and bliss at my heart. I am so happy with my progress and owe my teachers everything and feel their wisdom growing inside me. Anothher time I felt my heart I was reading the sublime golden light sutra and read the chapter on the tigress, when it said Shakyamuni willingly endured hell for aeons I felt golden light at my heart. Normally I don't feel any chakras, just when I practice. I gave up school in a traditional sense and success for my spiritual practice. I stopped making assumptions and trusting the authorities and then I didn't finish college. In a many life perspective this has worked out much better. I'm still nervous about mandala offerings but I love the meditations of new meditation handbook. I want to start chanting the infinite life sutra chapters regularly. I love iron and wine a lot. When I saw the dalai lama I was hearing the voices guiding me again and meditated on how all beings have been every species of animal countless times, etc. and then I felt this red light rising from my mooladhara and I felt surrounded by a red shield. I felt my crown when I tried to visualize the dalai lama as 1,000 armed avaloketesvara. I'm reading Maitreya's middle beyond extremes. I pray my practice becomes stable and keeps growing so that I can be really happy. The band iron and wine makes me really happy. So does Regina Spektor.

things I can realistically accomplish in the next few years

2010-03-19T21:50:00.001-07:00

get yoga certified or at least spend two years (1 1/2 more) practicing yoga, get through the 108 form of wu style tai chi and be able to do it on my own then learn wu style chi gong, write out some portions of Maitreya's works and try to memorize sections, hold the mudras in my mudra book for 2, then 3, then 4 hours each. I should fall in love with someone. It is hard living in the meat and bomb economy to think of love, but I believe it is possible. Get a healthy job that harms nobody to support myself, maybe Greenpeace or sunmoon will hire me. I want to be off cars, but winter makes transportation very difficult.

headstand and shoulderstand, extend how long I can hold them.
visit India to see Jackson and possibly meet Sadguru.

the chigong and mudras will help me change my life I strongly feel. I wish I could work on an organic garden, growing food and medicinal plants.

what are your plans?

whoa!

2010-03-05T15:05:00.001-08:00

I hugged Britten and felt the rainforest medicine within myself. I believe she may be enlightened. It was an amazing sort of experience. It was right after asking her to sign a letter to Obama('s) staff to keep corporations from cutting forests. On another occasion, I did the prep. prayers for meditation and confessed that if I was Einstein I had written a letter saying a bomb could be built according to relativity theory and immediately felt orange light between my eyebrows. It felt like Rafael or Amida, although Amida is red, (and rafael is orange). I don't have the energy on my own to hold the asanas. It will take me thousands of years perhaps. I've read pure lands are outside of space time... which is to say that I may need to go to one to feel 'quick' results of enlightenment.
I think it is impossible to hold the mudras and asanas as long as 24 hours here.

broken meat fast

2010-03-01T21:08:00.000-08:00

There has been this piece of fish in the fridge for months along with sausages. I broke my vegetarianism which was relatively strong for a few years. It tastes good. I accept my future death despite Dagom Rinpoche declaring I have the blessings of immortality. eek, to live forever in this world isn't my wish.

a dream

2010-02-27T13:52:00.001-08:00

I had a dream where I prayed for diplomacy between humans and aliens so that we could find more resources and not kill ourselves. I immediately was filled with an unimaginable rush of energy and started flying like Neo. In the dream I rushed to tell people my experiences realizing the first part was a dream, thinking it still a valid reality.

missing heaven

2010-02-17T14:35:00.001-08:00

insubstantial allowances, the government fears limitations
it seduces the masses with plundered goods and tells them they're safe behind nukes
a government corrupt against the mass of citizens of foreign lands will fall if the offerings of forced taxes came to an end
a government bakrupting its citizens into destitution and slavery
the Gods angels and bodhisattvas look down crying, sending themselves on atoms
I feel the dalai lama on the atoms, he must be everywhere or else there are no atoms
Please come buddha of the elves, send one emanation to lead us
please come Maitreya, explain your teachings so auspicious
please come teachers and wayshowers

the land erodes as we uproot every plant but wheat and barley
the soil goes and we poison the earth with pesticides
I've been wondering if the gods manifest as plants and the variety of plants reflects the variety of blessings from heaven
I pray for the native American spirits to bring back organic agriculture
I don't know whether to blame yahweh or lucipher, since the American government is under god but the freemasons bow to lucipher
Maybe the fallen angel and his God have too much power when Isis, elves, forest protectors lose their way to this missing power
I feel everyone inside myself, from Buddha to Jesus to at bad times even darkness like Hitler creeping in
and I don't know who I am....
dance it out, dance it out, play it out, play it out

auspicious experiences

2010-01-15T10:18:00.001-08:00

A) when practicing kundalini yoga in class, I felt my 3rd eye wrapped in indigo light.

B) I made a commitment not to offer beings to anyone (as in mandala offerings of buddhism)... to not put a price on people, and prayed to Aarne Nass, the Norwegian philosopher, and then felt myself one with the life force, completely wrapped in prana and had a vision of a temple levitating above an ocean of milk with incredible trees growing. It felt like an unlimited amount of chi and it was a sign that I was on the right track.

C) I held wise man posture (or wise woman, I forget which heel) for an hour facing one direction, the bookshelf in my room counting breaths and I tried to visualize 1,000 armed Avaloketesvara and felt incredible bliss in my heart at an hour.

D) I felt like I had ushnisha when in California, I felt this blissful connection with my teachers on top of my head at my crown.

E) I was holding crab posture in the hospital, after I asked shiva to play with me, and then I meditated on the words lightning and dream, and felt like the source of lightning was within me and tried with that understanding to regard everything as lightning. It was incredible.

F) I held cobbler/my feet together while watching Jesus in India for the whole movie almost, after maybe two hours I felt this pleasurable bliss in my heart.

G) I did sun salutations for Jamyangla in Bloomington and then held shankh mudra for an hour and felt the perfect and compassionate White Tara and Amitabha present in spirit and then I did my confession and felt incredible blessings from them. It was like they were dissolving oceans of nectar and bliss into me.

H) I held full lotus and padma mudra as long as I was able and felt pink nectary energy in my mooladhara, very good.

I) I sat and meditated next to Jamyang la a couple years ago, I had a perfect visualization of the tree of visualization, made of jewels and saw lama lozang tubwang dorje chang, I felt him ask me what are your wishes, and I thought to him end samsara.

J) I held crab posture for an hour and felt this intensely blissful surge of energy at the base of my spine. I can't describe it.

K) I sat for meditation next to John Madison, and felt my whole being wrapped in red blissful energy, when the meditation ended I saw a stingray... I may end up back in the ocean as some sort of sea creature.

I dedicate all of these experiences to the ultimate happiness and enlightenment of all conscious beings. May they inspire you to keep practicing.

I believe I will one day attain enlightenment. Jamyang used to tell me, when you're enlightened you'll understand when I asked him questions. If anyone I know is enlightened it is him or his teachers I'd say. Sometimes I think they aren't giving me enough attention, but remember nobody else is giving me more.

I feel incredible worry and guilt related to my eating so much meat and seafood in my life! I'm worried I will have to take countless rebirths as animals/enslaved animals to be eaten to make up for this one life.

dream of elves

2009-12-03T16:04:00.000-08:00

two elves came shooting down from space like shooting stars
if they are coming, we may find salvation in immortal teachings.

-Liam

minutes, not in order

2009-11-04T12:51:00.000-08:00

drained left ring finger 4 ways 10 min. each thumb to outside of 2nd bone
held 2 earth touching mudras for 1,000 breaths each ring and middle fingers
meditated on suffering for 4o minutes,
found you can hold padma mudra on ground in front, behind, and on the sides, held in front for most of that time and imprinted in other directions
meditated on word suffering while holding padma mudras behind my back on ground 7:16-8:17
drained left thumb 10 min, 4 ways, to 2nd bone
drained left thumb, thumb to middle nail 2:59-3:34
DREAM we were being chased by a robot monster, something about competing for apple and microsoft stock. he chased us for $11, I held his ankle and he stopped.
4:06-6:09 middle and index fingers to temples together
drained right hand, middle ring index and thumb, 10 mins 4 ways each, outside of first knuckle.
dream: Jamyang and another teaching ecology and looking at water crystals, 3 billion watching
drained right index, thumb to 2nd joint 4 ways10 min each on outside
feeling of chi in fingers, also feeling like gunpowder escaping
drain crown-thumb to nail of index 5:20-5:51.
dream: travelling between stars, the leader is a girl who sticks to protocol, I keep breaking it worrying that I'm going to be abandoned. we're in a world full of snakes, something is lost. I have to negotiate with the snakes, one has bitten me.
left hand to right hip, right hand to left buttocks 9:28-11:28
drained left middle finger, 4 ways 10 min. each to 2nd bone on outside
dream-kuten lama teaching tai chi
drained left ring 10 min 4 ways each 2nd bone outside
drained left pinky 10 min 4 ways, 2nd bone on outside
dream-a corvette, guy from TV show brown hair getting hair cut. a skateboarder and I'm practicing tennis.
Dream: I'm an orca swimming with dolphins splashing my tail and then jumping. A mario video game, 8 bit but more complicated than mario 1, with mario 2 elements
drained left thumb, 4 ways 10 min each, thumb to 2nd bone on outside
dream-tennis friends showing mudras
touched all finger to every part of body I can reach for all fingers, all knuckles and joints on inside of both hands.
11:41-12:03, drained top of head tumb to tip of pinky-feelings of disgust with pride
touched first joint of pinky to all parts of body
drained left thumb and left index, 4 fingers to nail 1o min each
dream-huge crowd of people, blew Jason with wind from my hand, he had a scared look on his face, I tell him this is a dream, a lucid dream, a faucet, I can move the water with my mind
drain right big toe 10:42-11:09
drained right 2nd toe11:09-11:29
note shambhavi, nithya, tai chi throughout, not written down
dream: my parents and I are lost in the county and we find a house, go in, try to light a candle, they come out and I feel terrible, someone does a yoga asana and asks me about it, and then I'm freaked. they cook us fod and then I'm freaked and I ask Suzy what the fallen angel's name is and she says rubyochio.
-drained left pinky 4 ways 10 min each
thumb to first knuckle on outside
drained left ring 4 ways 10 min each thumb to first knuckle on outside
drained left middle finger 10 min to first knuckle 4 ways
drained crown, right hand thumb to tip of middle finger 10 mins
drained left index 10 min each, thumb to outside of first knuckle 4 ways 10 min each
held left pinky to right nipple 4:06-6:07
drained left thumb index through piny 10 min each
meditated on recognition and regret of lying and wrong views
5:50-6:50 feet together facing bed end corner
7:14-8:15 brahmacharya facing bed end corner, drained right piny 4 ways, 10 min each, tips of fingers, drained right ring finger and right middle fingers 4 ways 10 min each tip of each finger
drained left index 4 finger tips to thumb tips 10 minutes each
left thumb drained 10 minutes, 4 ways tips of fingers
problems-impatience, thoughts of no lasting beneft, distraction
drained right pinky and right ring fingers
thumb to nail 4 fingers 10 minutes each
drained crown thumb to tip of index 10-15 minutes
felt like a tiny grain of sand on a huge beach
drained right index and right thumb, 10 mins 4 ways each to nail
6:33-7:33 half wise man, right foot to perennium left hand, thumb and pinky to nose, other fingers to 3rd eye.
drained right pinky and right ring fingers 4 fingers nail to thumb 10 min. each.
drained left middle finger to nail 4 fingers 10 min each.
torch mudra, right thumb to left ring
11:30-12:30 had to meditate on wish for a cleaner earth, cleaner moooladhara to hold it
reading for 1st yoga assignment and dolphin pose
drained left middle finger tip of each finger to thumb, 10 mins. each.
brahmacharya facing side wall 1 hour, imprinted cosmic mudras and links sitting
when I leaned back I felt a great surg of blissful nectar energy in 2 nd chakra.
as ring spin straightened. It felt like orange nectar. I kept lowering energy trying to get it from the top of my crown and it felt like a different me as energy returned. I need to return to cosmic mudras in other directions because I missed some, namel individual links opposing and entangled. I need to drain finger and a new finger 10 minutes each deay each minger , 40 minutes a day, 12 per finger, or 6 if inside is too hard. works best when motivation is compassion for all, otherwise mudras break.
drained left ring and index tips of finger to thumbs 40 mins each.
full brahmacharya, facing bookshelf corner 1 hour, right hand in front of left on ground, great bliss at heart and visualized myself holding/mastering mudras and asanas
.....
not going to put everything, not enough time.

so I'm writing this out, maybe I can get worksheets together to track progress in time.

news

2009-10-16T15:24:00.000-07:00

I've been visualizing much more clearly...
buddhas holding mudras and asanas
I feel these moments of intense joy and bliss from practice and realized I need to transform the habit energies that keep me doing things that lead to painful or unjoyful states of being.
and then I'll keep the joy or bliss with me.
the heaviness in my head is largely linked with the world's heaviness, as depending on what I concentrate on it goes away and comes back when I see and look at the problems of the world and how it relates with my own karma/ic formations.

I fell for a swing dancer, Nora's army, St. Clare.
I'll have to figure out how to find her again.
my minutes will be published again, but I don't have them with me.
I'm looking forward to returning to tai chi and need to keep up the practices.
worried of losing my way, falling downhill...

wish I had pictures of the mudras, to show what I'm doing.
homage to the tai chi masters and yogis, who help me keep my way.

minutes, from hospital

2009-10-05T12:02:00.001-07:00

cosmic mudra right foot, hands entangled right hand forward 7:57-9:03
cosmic mudra right foot, hand entangled left forward 2:08-3:36
hold left pinky to third eye 1 hour
hold left ring to third eye 3:45-4:47
meditate on ignorance 4:53-5:49
generosity: wrong and right generosity.
such as generosity towards harmful spirits, offering weapons to harmful is bad
holding onto what you don't need but others need can be relatively harmful
hold left ankle index to index 7:17-9:38
right hand over left hand cosmic mudra right foot end 12:00 guess 1 houe
right hand over left hand cosmic mudra left foot end 2:17, guess 1 hour
left hand over right hand cosmic mudra right foot 4:21-5:58
left hand over right hand cosmic mudra left foot guess 1 hour
drain right mid toe, end 9:25
padma mudra facing board 4:25-5:59 under butt head on ground
leaning back hands on ground 2:05-3:29
left foot cosmic mudra hands entangled left hand forward 12:15-1:16
held neck and confessed 7:25-9:43
shat kriya posture, hands up facing door 2:35-2:45
3 minute headstand on pillow against wall
drain top of head right hand1:57-2:18, thumb to index and middle first knuckle
padma mudra facing corner 12:30-12:50
half celibacy 12:55-1:55
hold base of spine, end 5:56
drain left hand 10:10-11:05
celibacy
3:08-4:42
drain right hand 10:07-11:05
thumb to index and middle

2009-09-24T11:40:00.000-07:00

5 or six locks, to lock in progress in 5 or six skandhas, left over right and right over left
at each center/chakra, front, backwards, left, right 24 hours.

also... imprint positions of sahaja bandhan and kundalini raising hand positions for 24 hours.
holding head in different ways, top, and behind head 4 ways, up to 24 hours.
hold temples with pinkys, each set of 5 fingers.
read! study! let my mind flow free!

Liam

2009-09-14T14:56:00.000-07:00

I spent 12 days maybe in the hospital.
I was able to get a lot of practice in since hospitals are clean.
I cried like a baby when they were giving me a shot.
the meds ain't good though.
whatever merit or energy I gained though, the meds sucked out of me.
AAAHHHH!!!!!

an amazing meditation on lightning, dream, cloud
like from diamond sutra, holding mudras, cute nurses.
thought I'd have something more poetic to say, something more eloquent.
many good things, it's so hard to keep the energy inside myself. I'm attached to bliss,
but can't maintain it.

lam

seeing the void, the great fear of emptiness

2009-09-12T19:42:00.000-07:00

If I try... to meditate on "emptiness"
I find it unhelpful, I tend to neglect my instincts and what lies before me. I tend to go so far as to find that the word emptiness implies nihilism.
That a more helpful word, that doesn't contradict karmic causality, and causes and conditions in general, that doesn't ignore intuition and reason...
would be impermanence. impermanence of phenomena. impermanence of feelings. impermanence of relationships. I wager, metaphorically,
that what is so painful to people when they here the word emptiness has nothing to do with it being a difficult philosphical assertion, but that induces in the mind a nihilistic bias that can influence us to negate our responsibilities.

lord of the rings, five rings, five religions

2009-09-12T19:29:00.000-07:00

"After several more days during which Francis continued to plead for the sultan's conversion and an end to the fighting--according to a later source he had to fend off the advances of a beautiful whore sent to ensnare him-- the learned doctors reached their unanimous conclusion: al-Kamil must have the friars beheaded immediately. Reflecting on their advice the Sultan recalled that a highly respected Jew, once bidden to pronounce on the relative merits of Judaism, Islam, and Christianity, had murmered something about three gold rings which were virtually indistinguishable. He therefore decided that death would be a shabby reward for the friars' good intentions."

- Francis of Assisi, a Revolutionary Life, by Adrian House

This makes me think of the rings of the lord of the rings as five major world religions... and the wars between the humans in the novels as the religious wars such as crusades.
Islam, Christianity, Judaism
Buddhism, and Hinduism

which is the one to bind them? Was one religion almost thrown away once, perhaps symbolically? Like the one ring almost destroyed in the fire? Was it buddhism, who's no self doctrine can be used as a case for slavery, mental slavery the worst kind?

As I study yoga and meditate more I find the emptiness doctrine far too frightening, and the deceptions in religions in general, the hiding scary

more to do

2009-09-09T13:25:00.001-07:00

meditate on the words... each word, try to work up to 24 hours, or 10 minutes at this point
light
enlightenment
darkness
suffering

anger
attachment
ignorance
doubt
pride

mooladhara
svadisthana
manipura
anahatta
vishuddhi
ajna
sahasrara

health

ignorance
samskaras/ karmic formations/ action/ karmic imprints
eye consciousness
ear consciousness
nose consciousness
taste consciousness
touch consciousness
craving
grasping
becoming
old age and death

form vairochana
feeling akshobhya
mental formations ratnasambhava
impulses/discriminating awareness amida/amitabha
consciousness dundubhishvara/ avaloketesvara/ chenresig

generosity
patience
effort
morality
concentration
wisdom
love
compassion
equanimity
renunciation
power
skillful means

innocence spontaneity purity creativity knowledge (self) mastery spirity holy collectivity forgiveness

integration
integral

0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9

earth
water
fire
air
space

the minutes

2009-08-25T13:10:00.000-07:00

drained head and ankles holding fist mudra. drained my feet, 3 hours of butterfly.
drained my back, held chalice mudra for 4 hours.
drained my heels for 3 1/2 hours 1/2 hour or so of sun salutation... dream: a star destroyer destroyed by a tiny piece of metal... realize star destroyer is old dying womans breast.
8 hours of cosmic mudra left over right, felt a great amount of light, used negative energy
to destroy my selfishness.
did locks around myself, feel my energy being saved...
made it to 23 or of 108 form at red barn.
chanted a chapter of lotus sutra.
drained top of my head for a while. held reaching, first part of sun salutation for an hour or so.
held willy, trying to subdue at least self love, transcend sex as a goal. A feeling of my head, as a giant penis tip, wholly unpleasant, images of darth vader hat.
Drained my forhead for an hour.
held palms to ground for 8,000 breaths.
shambhavi, held feet together for an hour or so.
Held second knuckle of index finger on top for 4 hours in gazebo.
realized dead are more appreciated than living.
feel inspired to work on basic asanas from desikichar's book.
sat in half wise woman for an hour or so toward two of four directions.
heel tapped, realized there are 35 such mudras.
14 egolessness, holding thumb and thumb in fist, and then holding other thumb to a long finger.
holding all of them for 1,000 breaths each, feel a passionate bliss at base of spine.
leaning back, holding hands to the ground... helps to realized perfection of effort.
vajrasattva sadhana in arboretum, lit incense and said it facing 8 directions (only made it to 6 or 7). felt crown strongly, where ushnisha is. then did a shoulderstand in 8 directions for about 200 or 250 breaths each.
tai chi in park, held 1, 2, and 3 of form for a while, about 1,000 breaths.
held back, had feeling of brain as giant toomer.
held chalice mudra right over left (8 hours?)
held armpits for 4 hours crossways.
a beautiful voice guided me through wishes meditation... a feeling of leaping from hell to home.
sat in celibacy pose left foot to right thigh for 2 and 1/2 hours, had to massage left buttocks because it would hurt so much.
held right hand to left hip and left hand to right buttocks from 2:48-7 AM. Gross bliss from it subsided into a more subtle bliss eventually. I feel much calmer.
drained calfs for a little while.
Held Angali mudra from 8PM until 2:30 AM... felt spinal connections popping and a web at my heart.
Like a jewel was being stolen by fisherman.

held celibacy from 11:48-1:58, right foot to left inner thigh
drain nose, right hand, thumb to tip of index finger, 9:14-9:35. feel clearer sinuses.
between tips of index and middle fingers 9:43-10
between tips of middle fingers and thumb 10:05-10:23
right middle finger up butt 8:20-1:01
1292 breaths leaning back with hands on ground across from google.
chanted at kirtan, held cosmic mudra at different energy levels.
right pinky to right butt cheek 6:04-9:29
drain nose, right hand tip of thumb to middle finger tip
right hand 9:31-9:58
had a dream with penguins launched out of cannons (eek)
hands on ground lying on back, feeling of chi in hands 10:23-11:34
chalice mudra 11:40AM-3PM hands entangled right hand forward
left pinky to left butt cheek 4:40 am-7:19 am
drain nose, thumb between tip of middle and ring fingers... end 12:43
idea comes... a worksheet for all asanas and mudras, and their combinations, in 8 directions
with 15, 30 and 1 hour with date, up to 24 hours, a description of experience when completed,
an outline for completing a school for young yogis.

pinkys to soles 5:04-5:44
pinkys to ankles on outside 5:46-6:03
pinkys to inside of ankles 6:03-6:13
pinkys to nob of foot 6:14-6:20
pinkys to calfs 6:21-6:34
pinkys to quads 6:35-6:37
pinkys to hamstring 6:37-6:39
right pinky to kundalini 6:37-6:39
left pinky to kundalini 7:05-7:08
prayer mudra at floor 7:21-7:36
other way 7:38-7:54
right index up butt 8:29-11:12
right thumb up butt 5:26-7:00
drain nose, ring finger to thumb 9:54-10:17
right ring finger to third eye 11:42-12:43
hold ankle, right ankle all fingers touching 1:34-3:58
holding right food in cosmic mudra 3:59-4:22
chalice mudra, hands entangled left hand forward 4:48-8:48
left pinky up butt 9:32-...? 12?
draining nose
hold left ankle, all fingers touching 11:50-12:47
right foot cosmic mudra, left over right
3:59-4:04
padma mudra on ground, 3,000 breaths, 5:50-6:51
hold right middle finger to third eye 5:50-6:51
drain nose, right ring finger 6:16-6:50
left ring finger up butt 6:54-???
11:12:34 basic chi practices.
padma mudra facing kitchen 1:21-2:22
hold index finger to third eye 2:51-3:52
wrapped house in shields by tai chi walking holding wrists
padma mudra facing gazebo 7:20-8:21
imprinted links and dhatus facing 4 directions on rug.
left middle finger up butt 11:13-2:40
drain nose, right ring finger and pinky tips together 10:48-11
tingling at base of spine.

(A strong sense I have incubus/sucubus stealing all my energy and life force.
whoever you are leave me now, and give back all you have stolen)

Plan concentrate on each combination of 2 letters, try samadhi on it.... AA AB AC... ZZ
padma mudra facing parents room 1:55-2:56
hold right thumb to third eye 2:59-4:00

Held bodhisattva/easy posture, left foot under right thigh until 1:30
imagined people mastering all the mudras and asanas.

pitch for Tai chi, and Wu-Style Ann Arbor

2009-08-23T10:06:00.000-07:00

I started out studying Tai Chi at Jewel Heart. I felt such incredible waves of blissful energy
from it!!! Eventually, I ended up at the center on Liberty and Maple and met great teachers there.
Sifu Steve is the man. He's completed the 108 form and understands its profound meaning. If you ask him for help, he'll help you realize how 'it's all right here' and the form can be mastered through his help much faster than you ever would be able to on your own. Sifu Georgia is much the same. She's been through the form and knows its profound meaning. She's extremely present and talented at working with the needs of individuals. Sifu Genie has been through the form as well. She's very alert and present, overall a great teacher. They teach the perfections of qigong forms and it helps one to cultivate the qi to master the tai chi. They are extremely present to the individuals and help with individual needs. They seem to know exactly what you think you need, know how to help you achieve it, but also see what you need deeper down, that you only barely know and lead you to achieving that as well.

wustyle-annarbor.com

2009-08-18T06:09:00.001-07:00

One day I ended up feeling like I was dying in front of either a chemical factory, a nuclear reactor, or a hydrogen fusion testing ground somewhere on my trek. I ended up having to drain my back and having to hold fish posture for a long time... It felt like 3 days or 3 hours, I don't know. I did some qigong forms for a long time too, and I could swear Brian Greene walked by me, with a friend. As I walked up, I did my candle meditation from a Diane Stein book, only while walking.
Something happened, the fire went blue, I'm not sure what it meant. It could have been a nuclear silo. When I drained my back, I felt a lot of negative energy and spirits drain out of me.

I got stuck on the trip at Elm St. looking for a Perry Ln. in Westphallia. I'm not quite sure if the town was a ghost town or not, because it seemed so desolate, they said there was no gas station.
I saw a huge flock of birds flow onto a power line and then go off. One died, killed itself. The others wanted to, but the pain was too bad I think. I ended up exhausted in front of a hospital looking for Perry Ln. off another Elm St. But... I ended up trying to drain my head, my nose at first, someone called the police on me, the family from Westphallia found me, and my parents drove me home. I had called them for either bus fare or motel fare as I was walking because I felt like I was dying, but it's such a waste because the point of walking was to try and pave a walking trend to counteract global warming. Now, I stopped into a hospital to try and make a call, but the place freaked me out, the treatments and the feeling there... it feels like Western medicine is a form of soul sucking in disguise.

I moved back to Delonis, work implies your purifying something wrong you've done, more looking for a calm place to practice and kind teachers to help me.

-Liam

misadventure.... wish I was a better writer to tell the story.

2009-08-17T05:58:00.000-07:00

I was looking for a Perry Lane on my walk off of an Elm Street.
I was so tired, it felt like my brain was hemmorhaging I was burning up so badly.
I had to walk from Westphallia to Fostoria and ended up soaking my feet on the way.
All the pain in my feet went away. I ran into Jackson, my friend from College, only
he was in High School, like I time travelled or hallucinated there.
I slept in a church lot one night and felt so exhausted but then did shambhavi, qigong, and sun salutations. I had this weird feeling that I wouldn't see the sunrise if I didn't do sun salutations.
amazing sunrise actually. I didn't make it to Dayton or NC. I was almost arrested some 3 or 5 times. I didn't do anything I regret though.
I was holding the mudras on my fingers, the links and dhatus, and had this crazy feeling
that every time I walked through a dangerous area, I was OK, because I was holding the sign that
area had. Like masonism, but the links of dependent origination. I was feeling like
I was John Conner from T2 running and attracting 2 much attention.

2009-08-15T06:42:00.000-07:00

I'm walking to Raleigh, when I get tired I take breaks at churches. After walking 20 or 25 miles I took a nap, and a policeman came, I had to go to a hotel that night.
holding mudras along the way.
I talked to a priest who had degrees in science about ecology.
I overcame some negativity about ecological collapse, at least some panickyness
when I realized the US, although humans consume 10 times the earth's carrying capacity,
since we have fewer people on an amount of land equivalent to china,
we may in relation to the land here, consume more like 1.5-3 times a sustainable rate of earth's
resources. solar and wind seem so essential to making an impact in cutting pollution emissions
and cutting resource use to sustainable levels, eating local, organic, vegetarian food as well.
I'm hearing holding ankles is 8 mundane concerns,
holding wrists are the 8 superficial. The 8 mundane sound like the basic needs from elementary school. Going to walk nights and spend days in churches and libraries.

wish me luck.

plan for path

2009-08-11T08:34:00.000-07:00

each finger up the butt for 24 hours. hands on 3 aspects of three chakras for 24 hours each, on body.
draining with 35 mudras on heels, middle of feet, joints, chakras for 24 hours each.
no benefits with repetitions, working up to that time.
leaning back to straighten out spine.
and holding earth touching mudras for 24 hours.
angali, wishfulfilling jewel holding mudras at all chakras for 24 hours each.
telephone at ear for 24 both ways
all the sun salutation, moon salutation postures for 24 hours each 8 directions
hold wrists with each finger and each combination of 2 for 24 hours each
5 or 6 locks for front and back of each chakra for 24 hours each.
i wonder what happens if you hold your ankles?
there are more asanas and mudras I see sometimes, but keep overfl
sit in half wise man and half wise woman in the 8 directions for 24 hours each. and full 8/24
then sit in bodhisattva/easy sitting posture in the 8 directions for 24 hours each.
sit in both celibacy postures for 24 hours in the 8 directions for 24 hours each.
sit in both half lotus towards the eight directions for 24 hours each.
sit in both full lotus toward 8 directions for 24 hours each.

hold all cosmic mudras (4) at each of 7 chakra centers for 24 hours.
hold the 48 aspects (start at one or two chakra centers)
hold all the links and dhatu mudras on hands for 24 hours
hold all the 108 form positions in the 8 directions for 24 hours each
hold feet together like butterfly for 24 hours in eight directions.
shoulderstands 8/24
headstands 8/24

I'll start out with prayer mudras
I have the 14 egolessnesses mudras above head
the two lotus mudras at all 7 centers for 24 hours.

shat kriya posture 8/24
2 or 3 zen postures 8/24

give me an assignment and/or some advice. Please pray for me to get all of this completed within 20 lifetimes maybe, or 100.
I'm goint to do vajrasattva and shoulderstands in the cemetery again.

I want to memorize the lotus sutra, write it out, etc.
I want to finish the 8 thousand verse perfection of wisdom, and maybe move on to longer versions.
I want to master geshe kelsang gyatso's books. I want to meditate on all the new and original meditation handbook meditations
in single pointed samadhi for 24 hours each.

2009-06-18T06:32:00.000-07:00

a looks like an apple
b looks like a rick

do the greco romans have sex on their mind?

on apples

2008-09-30T12:14:00.000-07:00

An apple is a traditional offering to a teacher.
Eve gave Adam the apple of the tree of knowledge.
coincidence?