The next three days of Bottlerock

The next day of the concert was Friday.  On Friday I saw Andrew Bird, The Shins, and The Flaming Lips who were the bands that I liked the most before the festival began.  I remember before Andrew Bird got there it felt like my brain was being fried by the sun.  It was really hot.  Andrew Bird was great.  I yelled at him on stage, Andrew Bird, you are Great.  I thought, not right away, but many days afterward I sounded like Tony the Tiger.  I remember dancing enthusiastically to Andrew Bird trying hard to keep up with every note of violin.  People around me started dancing and one guy started to dance like me, kinda copying my moves and then we hugged and when I was done dancing I was very tired, just exhuasted.  At Andrew Bird there was this pretty girl who looked like a hippy, like a flower child with flower pants and a thing around her head like a cloth crown.  I asked her what her name was and she said it was Leigha.  She said she was named after the movie.  At the Shins this guy appeared out of nowhere when I was dancing and hugged me, then he said, everyone is my friend.  When I went to the Flaming Lips he appeared out of nowhere again and started dancing with the girl next to me who was very pretty and was hulla hooping.  I thought it was so strange how he appeared out of nowhere.  The next day I saw him again after I started tossing my water bottle high into the air and then catching it, he was sitting right behind me.  Actually when he hugged me and told me everyone is his friend it helped me because I was feeling like the loneliest person in the crowd, and when he said that I thought perhaps that should be my attitude too, that everyone is my friend.

I met a girl named Lydia and her friend at Martin Harley Saturday and then we went together to Sharon Van Etten.  I loved Sharon Van Etten a lot.  I didn't know who was Sharon because there were two girls who sang together in the band and both played instruments.  Then I ran into Maureen's neighbors Chuck and Sara (a different Sara) and I stuck with them for a bit but I wanted to see Bad Religion.  Chuck said he already saw Bad religion so we separated.  At times I thought Bad Religion wasn't very good.  I remember liking them a lot more a long time ago.  But I loved the title of one of their songs, "Fuck the Apocalypse, This is hell."  When I saw Iron and Wine I was dissapointed. It sounded so much different and worse than the CDs of theirs that I had.  It sounded so much different that I asked people around me if it was really Iron and Wine and both people that I asked said yes.  Avett Brothers played on a different stage than they were supposed to so I thought maybe they switched stages.

Sunday I saw this guy Eric who I saw the first time when I saw the Juggler.  He looked a lot like Steve Ross and also a lot like Jesus.  I talked to him and told him he looked like Jesus.  He asked what it was, and I said it's your face, maybe just the long hair.  I tried to talk to him about spirituality.  I said I hope we are eternal beings.  I said I hope we can reincarnate.  He said he hoped that too.  We went to see Rogue Wave together, a band he already knew about that he said he liked. I thought the singer of Rogue Wave had a great voice but I couldn't understand his words.  I lost Eric in the crowd for better or worse, whether he wanted to lose me or not I don't know.  I saw Grouplove after that and loved them.  I danced and I met some pretty women who were all friends.  One Was named Jaimee and her sister Joselyn.  Then there was a girl next to them who was very attractive.  Her name turned out to be Lindsay.  She looked like my cousin Allison Sparrow.  I told her she looks like my cousin Allison, and she said that's funny.  My cousin Allison looks a lot like Lindsay Lohan.  The Lindsay at the festival was very pretty and had blonde hair.  I was wondering hours later if there was a chance that it was Lindsay Lohan. 

So... I didn't have dreams any of the nights of the festival staying in John's brother's trailer. Dreams are often the best part of my 24 hour period.  But... the festival was like a dream come true.  I thought it was so funny that I saw someone who looks like Allison the last day of the festival, because her birthday is May 12, and in a sense it seemed like the festival went from my birthday to hers.  Much gratitude!

Summary of Day 1 of Bottlerock, hopefully more to come about my future days of Bottlerock

I got to go to Bottlerock this year.  It was a four day music festival in the Napa Valley.  I am not a rich guy, and a 4 day ticket was 399 dollars.  The timing of it was lucky... It was May 9-12.  May 9 is my birthday, so I was able to get a ticket as a birthday present. I think the reason my parents gave me a 4 day ticket rather than a 3 day is because the additional day of the 4 day ticket was my birthday.  I was hoping to make friends at the festival.  When I first got there I was waiting in line behind a couple pretty women named Chloe and Sam.  It turned out that Sam was a certified yoga teacher, so I started asking her questions about her yoga practice.  She was volunteering for a band on a minor stage that wasn't on the schedule called Deluna.  The band started throwing out wrist bands. I would run around to try to get one.  They would throw it to my left and I would chase after it and they would all be picked up.  They would throw it to my right and I would chase after it and they would all be picked up. I felt crazy for chasing after a wrist band.  Sam gave me one that she picked up, and it said "Certified Delunatic".  It was ironic.  I was trying to become a certified yoga teacher years ago, and I ended up hearing voices and ended up in the mental hospital.  I didn't get certified.  Then I was trying to respect this yoga teacher Sam, and I got a wrist band out of it... Certified Delunatic (obviously Delunatic includes lunatic).  So it seemed to sum up my attempt at becoming a yoga teacher from the perspective of the world, although from my perspective I had so many life changing or even soul changing experiences and I learned SO MUCH, and I am constantly grateful to my teacher Sondra and I think of her every day.  I wandered a little bit from stage to stage after that and went back to the same stage where the bands played who weren't on the schedule.  I danced to the band and met a girl there named Sara.  When I was dancing she smiled at me and seemed to like it.  She seemed to be by herself, and she was smiling at me so I said hi to her.  We ended up spending like five hours together.  First we went to see Delta Spirit and talked when there were gaps in the music.  We saw X and then maybe Alo.  I think it was at Alo that we saw a juggler.  He could do tricks with the balls when he juggled three or four, like different throwing patterns and he could even juggle five balls.  I juggled a little bit with him, just the normal three ball pattern that I know.  And then he showed me a new thing I could do, throwing over instead of under the ball in the air.  Sara tried to juggle too for a second and got like three in a row.  The juggler said he was in a circus in Lake Tahoe.  He did another trick a handstand, and then I tried it too and did a handstand too.  It felt really good to do the handstand. Joan Jett and the Blackhearts.  Sara is a really beautiful girl who looked almost perfect if there is perfect, she made me think of White Tara from Buddhism and reminded me of her.  When she said her name was Sara, she reminded me of a swing dance teacher, Sara Lapan from Swing Ann Arbor and I almost saw Sara Lapan in her.  I got a couple birthday texts from friends that day, and I asked who the texts were from because I lost my numbers and one was from Emilee.  When I asked who it was She texted back "it's Emilee" when I was with Sara.  That is weird in retrospect because Sara said she had facebook pages with fake names like Emily Miller Lite, and in her voicemail  the recording said her name is Emily.  I got her number at Joan Jett and the Blackhearts because otherwise I would have lost her when I went to the bathroom. She got up ahead of me in the crowd, and I had to use a technique to get to her that I picked up at Outside Lands.  This guy at Outside Lands last year got through the crowd by saying, my friend is up there, can you let me through so that I can get to my friend.  So when she got ahead of me in the crowd, I had to say that and then I asked for her number because I had to go to the bathroom and it is hard to find people after you have lost them.  She texted me back that she was at the spot where the juggler was and I met her again there.  She was with a guy there and we sat together, and then we left to go see the Violent Femmes.  At the Violent Femmes, she said it was nice to meet me, and she wanted to see her friends now and she walked away.  Then I saw someone who looked like Lauren from the coffee shop in St. Helena.  I asked her if she was Lauren, but she said no.  The band that I liked the most that day came when I wasn't with Sara.  I saw The Avett Brothers.  When they started playing I instantly seemed to feel so happy. I loved their music a lot.  I was noticing the stars starting to come out.  The first one I saw come out after the sun went down was a white one in the brightest part of the sky.  I questioned this woman next to me who was by herself why the first star to come out is in the brightest part of the sky.  Then I asked her if she thought in the middle of the night when it gets much darker, if that star will still be the brightest or if a brighter one will come out of nowhere.  She laughed and said I don't know.

Dennis Rogers shares his Christian message with me. And I want to share it with all of you.

• I saw a show called Stan Lee's superhumans. In the show, there was a man named Dennis Rogers who was so strong that he could bend wrenches and do various other feats of strength. I had read in a book by Maitreya that super strength is a sign of a buddha that arises from having connected others with Samadhi. Since my other yoga teachers wouldn't teach me samadhi, I wanted to ask Dennis Rogers directly to teach me samadhi, because his strength made me believe that he connects others with samadhi.  My correspondence with him so far has included two messages back from him. I wanted to share what he wrote with me with you and what I wrote so that you know the context of what he wrote.  So below is my conversation with him.  I feel amazed and blessed to have heard back from famous people, like Noam Chomsky, and now Dennis Rogers.

   

   

   

   

  Liam St. John

  I read in Buddha Nature by Maitreya, that the buddha has super strength. In Buddha nature it said, from having established others in the practice of samadhi, he has the strength of Narayana. I want to learn Samadhi. I think since you have superhuman strength, you must have established others in Samadhi. Will you Please PLEASE PLEASE teach me how to attain samadhi!
• 23 April
• 

  18:22

  Dennis Rogers

  Hi Liam, I am a Christian and I was truly born with the gift of strength. Much like a singer who could already sing well or an artist who naturally could draw, I had a significant level of natural strength from the get go.
  Concerning my strength: others can achieve it as well. I am currently working on revitalizing some old programs as well as creating new courses to teach what I do. Keep an eye out on my website next month.
  God Bless,
  Dennis
• 24 April
• 

  12:24

  Liam St. John

  I am not interested in being as strong as you (unless it doesn't take away from my sensitivity). I am interested in attaining samadhi, attaining union with God. I saw your strength as a sign that you connected people with samadhi. I believe there is spiritual truth and there is spiritual truth in all religion. I think Jesus Christ was someone who mastered many samadhis. So, what you said doesn't contradict that you might be someone who connects people with samadhi. From my understanding samadhi is perfect concentration. One can attain samadhi on love, on compassion, on equanimity on Jesus's heart, on buddha. There are samadhis in sutras with funny names, maybe like the samadhi of the appearances of the profound. I forget. I don't have money for courses or money to travel to your courses. I am not your neighbor in terms of living next door to you, so I don't know if you love me. I know Jesus commanded us to love our neighbor. But, your strength from even a Christian perspective seems like a miracle. My prayer if you can love me, is that I am protected from hell. I am afraid of going to hell. I invite your spiritual strength to protect me (as opposed to muscular strength) from hell. I have not been able to talk to Jesus yet. He won't talk to me. I haven't been assured by anyone that I'm never going to hell. So, I pray that if you are willing you make sure that I am protected from hell. I try to do what is right and good. I try to not harm anyone. I try to be kind to everyone. I have felt blessings from Christianity and Buddhism both. I read in a book, Dharma Bums by Jack Kareouac, that Jesus Christ was Maitreya, a disciple of Buddha and a bodhisattva. So maybe Buddhism and Christianity are ultimately congruent and noncontradictory. I am so grateful I found out about you watching Stan Lee's Superhumans, because miracles like your strength give me faith.
• Thursday
• 

  07:21

  Dennis Rogers

  Hi Liam-
  First let me say that I have not needed to practice any super-concentration methods. I can naturally focus on what I need to focus on. Focus increases as you practice anything. As you practice, you will increase focus.
  Secondly, I do love you. Christ teaches us to love everyone. And because I love you I will tell you how to know without a shadow of a doubt that you will go to Heaven, not hell. There is only one way. The way the bible says. Give you heart to Jesus Christ ALONE (no other gods), believe in Him and you will have everlasting life with Him in heaven.
  Jesus is not just a teacher, He is the Son of God and equally God with His Father. But you have to believe. And I do believe He is talking to you. I believe His Holy Spirit lead you to contact me.
  Just get on you knees and pray this prayer, and believe it with all your heart and I promise, you will go to Heaven:
  Dear Lord Jesus, I understand that you died on the cross for the sins of the world, for my sins, so I ask you now to forgive me, and I thank you for what you did for me. And I promise you Lord that from this day forward I will seek guidance from only you, the True God, and that I will not seek guidance from other gods so that I am not mislead. Thanking Lord for saving me from the pits of hell and allowing me to be part of your family in Heaven.
  Liam, The bible says that if you pray and ask for forgiveness of your sins and make Jesus Lord of your life, you are saved. So if you prayed that prayer and meant it with all your heart and soul you are saved!
  Next you need to get a bible and study God's truth. Don't mix his truths with the confusion of others. Only study God's true word- the Bible. If you do this and pray to him daily, I promise that God will guide you and direct you thru his Holy Spirit. Also, look for a Christian church where you live, so that you will have fellowship with other Christians who know His Truth.
  Remember, I am telling you this because I do love you and I want to see all people go to Heaven.
  God Bless,
  Dennis
• Today
• 

  12:14

  Liam St. John

  Thank you! I am reading this at the library, I got on my knees at the library and prayed it in front of the computer, whispering, but saying it out loud inside myself. Honestly!: It will be difficult to not follow any other teachers. I have not met any other Gods. What I like about Buddhism and Hinduism for example is they teach us to not harm any animals. Christians hurt animals like the pigs, cows, and chickens that they eat. Jesus, I have read, wanted his students to be vegetarian but in the bible when he drives out demons pigs run off a cliff and drown and die and he eats fish. But I did not do any better than him this life in terms of not eating meat. I feel a holy spirit more when I read books other than the bible. I felt a holy spirit reading the mahabharata, the Bhagavad Gita, The Upanishads, and even philosophers like Kant, and Sartre. I felt a holy spirit reading a book called, The Fourfold Path to Healing. Maybe it is the same Holy Spirit of Jesus, in which case he rewards me for reading books other than the bible. I like your prayer, and I have to modify it for myself that, I will try to not follow any Gods that contradict and interfere with the teachings of Jesus. But sometimes other philosophers and other religions seem complementary to me. So the part about not seeking guidance from other gods... I cannot promise that. Sometimes I think God is one, and the other religions are talking about the same God.
  I thank you so much!! It is true we can only have one master, because if we had two and they disagreed, we would have to break up with one of them. I want to follow the best path that leads to heaven. I want to love everyone, and love the people around me as I love myself. I will try to pray your prayer on my knees every day for many days, except say 'I will try to not follow any other gods' rather than promise it. Because I cannot promise it right now.

nightmare hospital visit

I was in the hospital for a couple days.  I was having recurring fears that I could be implicated in serious evils through ignorance.  I thought I might end up getting in serious trouble. I took too many antidepressants.  Even before I did that I was throwing up like crazy for days. I couldn't stop vomiting.  I felt so awful.  Then after I took too many antidepressants everything seemed like a dream.  I would experience the same thing three times in a row.  I was in the hospital with all sorts of needles in me.  I kept vomiting. It doesn't seem real.  They needed urine but I couldn't pee.  I would drink a lot of water but the water made me vomit more rather than need to pee.  They said I had 15 minutes to give urine or they would do some sort of surgery to get the urine out of my bladder.  At the last minute I was able to pee a little. They kept moving me from room to room and sticking all sorts of needles in me. It seems like a dream a nightmare.  Now that I'm out of the hospital it seems like it would take a miracle for me to live through the next few years.  I am in California.  I have been here for just a few weeks and already things are tough. I have been trying to do tai chi and yoga in the mornings in the park.  I try to keep a dream journal.  I read some here and there. I have all these buddhist books in my room, and now I don't have faith in Buddhism anymore. I want to think for myself.  I don't think I've had any past lives. I feel like Buddhists gave me a lot of delusions that really messed up my life.  I want to get rid of the Buddhist books in my room, get them away from me because they might make me worse again.  I am struggling.  Having hardly anything to do can be just as much of a struggle as having way too much to do because in my free time I end up calling on God and praying hoping for some sign that he is there.  I end up thinking the same thoughts over and over looking for some confirmation from someone that they are good thoughts, but when nobody understands what I'm talking about I get annoyed.  Well, I hope I make it through this year.  I don't know what the hospital bill is or if insurance will pay for it.  At least I have good dreams once in a while.  I hope I don't end up doing anything evil in my life.  I have a new desire to find God, find salvation, and find a place in heaven.  I hope I don't go back to Buddhism.  I'm seeing more than ever that life is full of unhappiness.

More fears... to be reborn as food, and to be indebted forever

   I have so many fears.  One thing I worry a lot about is all the food I ate growing up.  In Eastern philosophy it is possible for humans to be reborn as animals and for animals to be reborn as people.  I worry that I am going to have to pay back all the animals that I ate.  I've eaten thousands of shrimp, thousands of crawfish, so many fish, so many chickens, so many parts of cows, so many parts of pigs.  What if in future lives I am forced to pay that all back?  What if I have to take thousands of lives as shrimp, thousands of lives as crawfish, many lives as fish, many lives as pigs, many lives as cows, and many lives as chickens?  In order to be eaten thousands of times as shrimp, I would have to live thousands extra lives as shrimp that are not eaten.  I really think this is possible, and my hope right now is that since I have stopped eating animals, perhaps that resolution will free me from my past karma.

   Another thing that I fear is being enslaved through debt.  Right now, it doesn't appear as if I have any debt.  But if the debt of the US government is more than ten trillion, and I am forced to pay back my share of that it could be as much as 12 trillion/ 300 million people= 40,000 dollars.  Now, what if there is an interest rate on that... so it grows by 7% a year... so that would be around $3,000 a year interest.  Now, the average wage in the world is less than $3,000 a year, so potentially, I could have an escalating debt that I will never be able to pay back.  It could grow infinitely large and I could be indebted forever.  I could be forced to lose ownership of my soul and be enslaved forever.  These are the thoughts I keep having.  And the same thing could happen to anyone.

We Must Disarm Nuclear Weapons

  I feel motivated to write about my fears.  My fears run very deep and are about very huge things.  One thing I worry about is nuclear war.  People don't talk about it much.  I don't hear other people talk about their worries related to it.  But I cannot concentrate on common things such as making money because I only want to do work that will disarm nuclear weapons or help in some way.  There is great reason to fear nuclear war.  There has been a lot of warfare since civilization began.  In most wars, both sides use every weapon available to them.  I will be worried as long as there are nuclear weapons, even if we develop a one world state in which all armies are disarmed except for an international government.  I worry about nuclear weapons even in this scenario because governments have killed millions of their own people in history.  There is no practical or good use for a nuclear bomb.  All it can do is destroy and kill and cause deadly radiation.  I believe we are souls that reincarnate.  Imagine if all the major cities are obliterated.  If civilization collapses, where will our souls go when humans don't exist or perhaps only live in remote places?  We are destroying the natural habitat of the earth that supports animal life, so perhaps our souls would not reincarnate at all.  Are our souls when not in a body able to travel through the cosmos to find a new home?  Would we be stuck on Earth as ghosts, unable to find bodies?  Everything could be wiped out in a second.  All it would take is a political leader to lose his cool.  Is it reasonable to believe that our political leaders are beyond human, beyond emotion?  Is it reasonable to believe that they will never lose their cool?  Is it reasonable to believe that our political leaders cherish everyone so much that they would never harm us?  I find these views to be unreasonable.  So I am afraid.  I am afraid that this planet will turn into a cemetery.  I'm afraid we could all end up stuck as ghosts on a planet without life. 
  What do we need to do to disarm nuclear weapons?  One thought is that we need to develop a spiritual technology that is capable of preventing nuclear weapons from working.  Something that provides hope for me in this is Chapter 25 of the lotus sutra.  That sutra says if you are being attacked with weapons and cry the name of Regarder of the Cries of the World Bodhisattva the weapons will break.  Perhaps Kuan Yin, Chenrezig, Avaloketesvara, Regarder of the Cries of the World has the answer of how to stop nuclear war.  I remember writing an email to the Dalai Lama once and asking him what he could do to disarm nuclear weapons.  The next day I saw on TV, CNN or MSNBC that UFOs often disable nuclear weapons.  They will fly and disable the nuclear systems of the United States.  The person on TV wrote a book about it and said it has been happening for years. 
   I don't think we can rely forever on miracles to save us from nulcear apocalypse. We need to disarm the armies of the world and in order to do that we need to have peace between all nations.  In order to do that people need to learn multiple languages, learn multiple religions, and learn multiple cultures.  I am not good at learning multiple languages.  I am impressed by those who really do know many languages.  I am very concerned about this issue.  I do not claim to be an expert.  I would like to hear discussion of what people think needs to happen to insure that we don't have a nuclear war, not just this decade, not just this century, but throughout the possible hundreds and thousands of centuries that humans are capable of surviving.

I dedicate this post to world peace.

Collecting more stories of people's spiritual experiences

I was sitting in front of Border's again today collecting stories of people's spiritual experiences in exchange for drawings.  Here are the ones I collected today.

Anonymous- Takes niacin and stretches.  Niacin makes one aware of muscle groups.  Closest thing to a spiritual experience. Then I smoke pot and it makes me more aware of my mind.  It's an alternative to compulsive masturbation.

John W- One day two years ago, a fall day just like today.  I was at a park along the Huron River, looking across the river.  That park and trail was the last place my son and I walked before his death.  He died the evening after the walk on that trail.  As I was looking across the river admiring the fall colors in the river of the water... Trees were reflected in the water.  I asked God, I said will I see or feel more experiences of his presence or God's presence.  And maybe five seconds later I finally saw a long stem rose floating in the water, floating towards me.  Of course I was shocked and immediately felt this was an answer to my question.  The Rose was ten feet off the embankment so I couldn't reach it, but with a stick, I was eventually able to get the rose with a stick.  Of course I was shocked and immediately thought this was an answer to my question.  I will continue to be aware of God's presence and Joe's presence.  I still have the rose two years later.

Mishka- I'm a Muslim.  Whenever we have dreams, we believe there is a spiritual significance to them.  Me and my sisters, anytime someone in our family passes away we have a dream our teeth shatter a few days or a week before.  My eldest sister had the dream before my dad died.  My 2nd older sister had that dream before my grandmother died.  I had the dream before my aunt died.  Last year or six months ago, had a dream a ball of light was coming towards me.  So I was scared of the ball of light, so I chanted verses of the Qu'ran to it so that it would protect me.  The ball of light entered my body.  I was consumed by it.  I woke up and asked family and friends about it and looked at texts.  They say if you dream of a ball of light and it enters you, it means God wants to be closer to you.

Rainey- When I stayed at the anointing healing service... that was spiritual.  At communion I get so happy.